Living the outlaw life: "Freeing your inner outlaw" By Claire Wolfe
To be truly free, you will be an Outlaw.
I don't mean criminal although you are probably that, also. I mean a person who thinks outside the law. When you are an Outlaw, your body (just like everybody else's) may be subject to the dictates of bureaucrats, armed enforcers & various elected fixers, controllers, connivers, pork-barrellers, socializers, corporatizers, fear-mongers, cigar-sexers, bribe-takers, old-boy-net workers & global influence peddlers.
But when you are an Outlaw, your heart and mind (unlike most everybody else's) are your own.
What exactly does that mean, though, in this over-lawed, over-ruled, over-executive-ordered world?
Let's go back for a moment to the statement that you're already a criminal. I've said it before and it always offends somebody: "YOU may be a criminal, Wolfe. But I'M a law-abiding citizen. Don't paint me with your black brush."
Well, sorry. You may not already be an Outlaw. But definitely you are already a criminal. You can't help but be.
In The Tyranny of Good Intentions, Paul Craig Roberts and Lawrence M. Stratton write:
The U.S. Code, which contains all federal statutes, occupies 56,009 single-spaced pages. Its 47 volumes take up nine feet of shelf space. An annotated version, which attempts to bring order out of chaos, is three feet long and has 230 hardcover volumes and 36 paperback supplements. Administrative lawmaking, under -statutes fill up the 207-volume Code of Federal Regulations, which spans 21 feet of shelf space and contains more than 134,488 pages of regulatory law. Federal law is further augmented by more than 2,756 volumes of judicial precedent, taking up 160 yards of law library shelving.
And you're certain you re not breaking one of those laws?
During the Clinton years alone, as James Bovard noted in Feeling Your Pain, Federal agencies issued more than 25,000 new regulations criminalizing everything from reliable toilets to snuff advertisements on race cars. And Bovard wrote that before Clinton's final year in office, when the federal government issued more than 100,000 pages of new regulations.
That’s just federal. Let s not even mention the states.
Still think you re not a criminal?
Really, so you’ve never: forgotten to report a little extra income on your 1040, built an addition on your house without a permit, driven without a seatbelt (the Supreme Court says cops can throw you in jail for that), given a glass of dinner wine to your 17-year-old, smoked a joint, disconnected a pollution control device on your car, cut a friend's hair without a license, installed an outlaw toilet, carried a pocket knife with a blade longer-than-legal (bet you don't even know what length is legal, do you?), been in a room where friends were talking about doing something illegal (conspiracy!), put a dollar in a football pool, patronized a prostitute, taken a tax deduction you really weren't entitled to, lied to a bureaucrat, willfully failed to file, built a pipe-bomb just to watch it go boom, carried money with traces of cocaine on it (like some 82% of the paper money in circulation today), put prescription medicine into one of those little daily dispenser containers, given one of your own prescription pills to a sick friend (search Title 21 of the U.S. Code and just see if you can figure out exactly what you can and can't do with that itty-bitty bottle of Zoloft or Prozac you depend on to help you survive this modern madness), owned chemicals that might be used in bomb making (like the bleach and ammonia bottles under your kitchen sink), transposed the digits of your SS # on a gov’t. -form, or driven in a car with someone who might have been transporting contraband. Ever?
Remember, these days you can be convicted of conspiracy for crimes you don't even know about, or for buying legal items that might be used for illegal causes. Some acquaintance gets in trouble & needs to snitch on a friend to get his -own sentence reduced & you're toast.
You can even be convicted of violating laws that don't exist as plenty of tax criminals have been. Ask the IRS for copies of the laws you're allegedly breaking and they’ll respond with legalistic gobble de gook. I have a friend who once testified as an expert witness in a tax case. Her-expertise? Grammar. On the stand, she diagrammed a mega-monster sentence from the tax code and proved the alleged regulation couldn't be obeyed because it literally had no meaning in the English language. Still, people get arrested for disobeying it.
Those are just a few of the ways individuals can get in trouble. Heaven forbid you should own a business and try to get through the day without committing a crime. For example, while Your Father in Washington still permits you, you lucky little person, to disconnect the crazy-making doodad that goes bingidy- bing- bing when you leave your car keys in the ignition and open the door, it's a federal crime for your car dealer to disconnect it at your request. Like, whose car do they think it is, anyway? Well, actually, it's not a federal crime to disconnect only the part that goes bingidy- bing- bing when you open the door and leave your key in the ignition, but it is a federal crime to disconnect the part that goes bingidy- bing- bing when you unhook your seatbelt and leave your key in the ignition, which is all part of the same system but a different set of wires from the other one. (Are you following this? There won't be a test, but there could be a hefty fine later.) Oh yeah, by the way, before you unhook the thing yourself, you d better check your state law. You wouldn't want the state-o- crats SWAT team swooping down on you when you're armed only with a pair of wire cutters.
Bottom-line. You are no longer a law-abiding citizen. There are too many laws to abide. And it doesn’t matter whether they call em laws, rules, regulations, or something else altogether. You break them every day.
With laws like these, who even wants to be a law-abiding citizen? When you put yourself at the service of rules and diktats of this nature, you put your life in thrall to the kind of people who make them. Even if you're a member of the infamous Snopes clan, you re bound to be better at figuring out how to live your own life than people who sit around all day cooking up stuff like this and figuring out how severely to punish you if you don't obey.
In the science fiction novel Pallas, one of L. Neil Smith's characters says, People pardon me, journalists and politicians have often accused me of believing that I'm above the law. And yet, who isn't? The law is created by demonstrable criminals, enforced by demonstrable criminals, interpreted by demonstrable criminals, all for demonstrably criminal purposes. Of course I'm above the law. And so are you.
Amen, bruthah Neil.
So why not enjoy being above the law? Why not embrace it? Why not do it with panache? Flair? Savoir-faire? Pride- and- shining- resolution? Why not, in short, free –your- Inner Outlaw?
For this is what divides the Outlaw D.B. Cooper, Bonnie and Clyde, Robin Hood, the Scarlet Pimpernel, Zorro from the mere criminal the creep who steals your CD player or the furniture out of the White House. Or the person who breaks the same old everyday laws you do, but breaks them in a sniveling, sneaking, guilt-ridden way, rather than with a jaunty shrug.
Attitude. A ttitude. Attitude.
Don’t let me give you the wrong idea. You don't have to start holding up IRS offices and distributing the proceeds to starving taxpayers to be an Outlaw. Whatever crimes you re already committing will do. The essence of free Outlawry is the way you live in the face of growing tyranny the Outlaw way you think. Even when it s the government that s committing the real crimes, being an Outlaw comes in handy.
Some examples: You go into a doctor s office a year from now and they tell you, Sorry, Comrade. Thanks to federal privacy protection, you can no longer get medical care unless you accept a unique identifying # and consent to have your medical records shared with anyone the government wants to see them. The good little citizen, sick, vulnerable, overwhelmed and puzzled, submits. The Outlaw? The Outlaw has already prepared for this and, depending on the kind of Outlaw he is, has options. Maybe he meekly submits, also using one of his five pre-built identities. Maybe he knows an Outlaw doctor who trades services for cash. Maybe he makes such a stink threatening to bring a civil rights suit that the doctor decides she'd rather risk the wrath of U.S. Health and Human Services than the wrath of a mad patient who knows his rights (and a good lawyer).
You’re driving along minding your own business when you find yourself in the middle of a checkpoint. Who knows what they're trolling for today? Drugs, booze, seatbelt crimes or perhaps just Your papers, please (an insurance checkpoint). A cop comes to your window and although his words say please and may we? his tone says, Cross me, muhfuh, and you'll be on your face in the gravel with my knee jabbing a hole in your kidney. Where are you going? he asks. Where are you traveling from? What's that in the back seat? Who helped you load your pickup? Do you mind if we search your vehicle? The good little citizen, once again, submits. The Outlaw, once again, has options. That might mean anything from playing dumb and innocent (I'm sorry, officer, are you sure it's okay for you to do this?
My high school civics teacher told me they absolutely couldn't do things like this in America. You seem like a nice young man and I'd hate to see you get in trouble.) to calmly refusing any consent to search to covertly making note of all officers badge numbers, names, and descriptions for possible later use. (You know, like maybe sending them a copy of the Constitution.)
The Outlaw doesn't always emerge victorious from encounters with authority. Bonnie, Clyde, & Dillinger ended up with their bullet-riddled bodies on public display, after all. You really might end up with your face in the gravel & your nether portions in a world of hurt if the nice cop is having a Justin Volpe moment & thinks you're Abner Louima. Refuse to allow a random search of your vehicle, for instance &, as Boston Tea Party describes in You & the Police, a drug dog & handler may come to the scene. He strokes a baggie of marijuana in his pocket then touches the trunk of your car. The dog goes wild & voila!: instant probable cause. (Or the dog simply sniffs you, & the almost inevitable traces of cocaine on your federal- reserve notes lead to a shake-down & the forfeiture of all the cash you re carrying.)
Government ruthlessness is a giant purple rhinoceros standing in the path between you and the free enjoyment of Outlawry. It‘s a rabid rhino with- a- cyanide-tipped horn. It' s rutting season and it thinks you're competition. It s got a thorn in its little hoofie. In general, it's having a really, really, really bad day.
Yes, resistance to arbitrary power is dangerous. Let's nobody kid herself about that. But resistance is not futile.
In most cases, being an Outlaw doesn’t mean attracting attention to your self. It simply means living, as much as possible, as you wish. More important, it means having the mindset needed to live that way in a world of adversity. More often than confronting, it means ignoring or evading insane and excessive rules. When confrontation is necessary, it means having the knowledge, preparation, and once again attitude to help you get through the situation without either passively submitting or going unproductively- postal.
In practice, that means something different to every Outlaw. But in every case, it means you have an attitude of self ownership (or, if you prefer, belonging to God), not being the natural subject, & easy target, of any bureaucrat or badge-bearer who wishes to push you around.
It means recognizing the pathetic state of law and justice around you, and recognizing its dangers but resolving to live your life more like a free American than a Stalinist peasant, regardless. It means living by your own highest moral and ethical choices, rather than trying to tippy- toe around every persnickety regulation in every obscure book in every cubbyhole governmental office.
It means remembering that this is still our America. Not theirs.
It means remembering that you are still a human being with potential beyond anything those who want to put us all into tight little categories and boxes and prison cells could ever conceive.
It means knowing every day that, despite the chains and travails of too much government, and their very real threats to your security, your heart and mind remain free.
It means you belong to yourself. That you think for yourself & have higher values than any do-gooder, lobbyist, congress thing, corrupt cop, or midnight raider will ever give you credit for.
But that's okay. Because it s not their approval you re looking for. Freedom is what you re looking for. And you re only going to find that by being determined to live it.
Gandhi said it: We must be the change we wish to see.
Amen to you, too, Bruthah Mohandas, fellow Outlaw.
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Monday, May 18, 2009
King Arthur and the Witch
King Arthur and the Witch
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived & Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the noblest of the Knights of the Round Table & Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous,
intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly!!!
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived & Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first. The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the noblest of the Knights of the Round Table & Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life. He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus: What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life. Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous,
intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way.... Things are going to get ugly!!!
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Why God Made Moms…
Why God Made Moms…
This is good. Pass it if I missed any moms out there or soon to be!
Answers from grade school kids to these questions...
Be sure to read the story at the end..... Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes moms out of clouds & angel hair & everything nice in the world & one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleepover your friend's. Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine. What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You-know. Her-hair: I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
THE MOMMY TEST I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been-laying-outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh,". I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or u can't be a Mom."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information." OH... I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart. When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom. Too cute!" Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended & a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without-You we’re dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother, and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
This is good. Pass it if I missed any moms out there or soon to be!
Answers from grade school kids to these questions...
Be sure to read the story at the end..... Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes moms out of clouds & angel hair & everything nice in the world & one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. Why did God give you your mother and not some other Mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me. What kind of little girl was your Mom?
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice. What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your Mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on. Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleepover your friend's. Moms have magic. They make you feel better without medicine. What does your Mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long. What would it take to make your Mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You-know. Her-hair: I'd diet, maybe blue. If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
THE MOMMY TEST I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked. "Because it's been-laying-outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh,". I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom Test. You have to know it, or u can't be a Mom."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information." OH... I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart. When you're finished laughing, send this to a Mom. Too cute!" Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended & a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without-You we’re dust..." He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother, and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point...
Political Science for Dummies
Political Science for Dummies
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.Your neighbor has none.So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it.It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine.Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20X the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run 100 mph. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.You have some vodka.You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.You get a $40 million grant from the US Government to find alternatives to milk production, but use the $ to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.He’s schizophrenic.Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half.The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.Some people vote for both.Some people vote for neither.Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California Cheese. Only five speak English.Most are illegal.Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
You push for higher taxes so the government can provide cows for everyone.
REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.Your neighbor has none.So?
SOCIALIST
You have two cows.The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it.It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.Your stock goes up.
FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch and drink wine.Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.You redesign them so they are 1/10 the size of an ordinary cow and produce 20X the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run 100 mph. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.You have some vodka.You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka.You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.You get a $40 million grant from the US Government to find alternatives to milk production, but use the $ to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.They go into hiding. They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.He’s schizophrenic.Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish. The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk. The cow asks permission to be cut in half.The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.Some people vote for both.Some people vote for neither.Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows. They make real California Cheese. Only five speak English.Most are illegal.Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
What Made Me.....Me
What Made Me.....Me
Long ago and far away........In a land that time forgot, Before- the days of Dylan.....
Or the dawn of Camelot. There lived a race of innocents....And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away.........In the Land That Made Me, Me.
For- Ike was in the White House...In that land where we were born, Where navels were for
oranges.....And Peyton Place was porn. We learned to gut a muffler.......We washed our hair at
dawn, We- spread our crinolines to dry...........In circles on the lawn. We longed for love &
romance......And waited for our Prince, And Eddie Fisher married Liz.....And no one's seen him
since. We danced to "Little Darlin".....And Sang to "Stagger Lee" And cried for Buddy Holly.........
In the Land That Made Me, Me. Only girls wore earrings then......... And 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts.....Except for Jean McKinney. And only in our wildest
dreams.........Did we expect to see A boy named George with Lipstick......
In the Land That Made Me, Me. We fell for Frankie Avalon,......Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie.......They never made it twice. We didn't have a Star Trek
Five....Or Psycho Two & Three, Or- Rocky-Rambo Twenty...... In the Land That Made Me, Me.
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold........And Chester had a limp, And Reagan was a Democrat.......
Whose co-star was a chimp. We had a Mr. Wizard..............But not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet....... In the Land That Made Me, Me. We had our share of heroes.....
We never thought they'd go, At least not Bobby Darin...........Or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal.........
And life was yet to be, And Elvis was forever....... ........In the Land That Made Me, Me.
We'd never seen the rock band......That was Grateful to be Dead, And Airplanes weren't named
Jefferson .....And Zeppelins were not- Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then.......And Monkees- lived in trees, Madonna was a virgin...........
In the Land That Made Me, Me. We'd never heard of microwaves.......Or telephones in cars,
And-babies might be bottle-fed......But they weren't grown in jars. And pumping iron got
wrinkles out.....And "gay" meant fancy-free, And dorms were never coed...........
In the Land That Made Me, Me. We hadn't seen enough of jets..... To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left...At the bottom of the bag. And Hardware was a box of nails...
And bytes came from a flea, And-rocket ships were fiction.........In the Land That Made Me, Me.
Buick's came with portholes......Side shows came with freaks, And-bathing suits came big enough.
To cover both your cheeks. And Coke came just in bottles......And skirts came to the knee, And-
Castro came to power..........In the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had no Crest with Fluoride....We had no Hill Street Blues, We all wore superstructure bras...
Designed by Howard Hughes. We had no patterned pantyhose.....Or Lipton herbal tea Or-
prime-time ads for condoms.......In the Land That Made Me, Me. There were no golden arches....
No Perrier to chill, And fish were not called Wanda.....And cats were not called Bill. And middle-
aged was 35........
And old was forty-three, And ancient were our parents........In the Land That Made Me, Me.
But all things have a season.....Or so we've heard them say, And now instead of Maybalene.....
We swear by Retin-A. And they send us invitations...To join AARP, We've come a long way, baby...
From the Land That Made Me, Me. So now we face a brave new world.....In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using...Smaller print in magazines. And we tell our children's children...
Of the way it used to be, Long ago and far away.......In the Land That Made Me, Me.........
Long ago and far away........In a land that time forgot, Before- the days of Dylan.....
Or the dawn of Camelot. There lived a race of innocents....And they were you and me,
Long ago and far away.........In the Land That Made Me, Me.
For- Ike was in the White House...In that land where we were born, Where navels were for
oranges.....And Peyton Place was porn. We learned to gut a muffler.......We washed our hair at
dawn, We- spread our crinolines to dry...........In circles on the lawn. We longed for love &
romance......And waited for our Prince, And Eddie Fisher married Liz.....And no one's seen him
since. We danced to "Little Darlin".....And Sang to "Stagger Lee" And cried for Buddy Holly.........
In the Land That Made Me, Me. Only girls wore earrings then......... And 3 was one too many,
And only boys wore flat-top cuts.....Except for Jean McKinney. And only in our wildest
dreams.........Did we expect to see A boy named George with Lipstick......
In the Land That Made Me, Me. We fell for Frankie Avalon,......Annette was oh, so nice,
And when they made a movie.......They never made it twice. We didn't have a Star Trek
Five....Or Psycho Two & Three, Or- Rocky-Rambo Twenty...... In the Land That Made Me, Me.
Miss Kitty had a heart of gold........And Chester had a limp, And Reagan was a Democrat.......
Whose co-star was a chimp. We had a Mr. Wizard..............But not a Mr. T,
And Oprah couldn't talk yet....... In the Land That Made Me, Me. We had our share of heroes.....
We never thought they'd go, At least not Bobby Darin...........Or Marilyn Monroe.
For youth was still eternal.........
And life was yet to be, And Elvis was forever....... ........In the Land That Made Me, Me.
We'd never seen the rock band......That was Grateful to be Dead, And Airplanes weren't named
Jefferson .....And Zeppelins were not- Led.
And Beatles lived in gardens then.......And Monkees- lived in trees, Madonna was a virgin...........
In the Land That Made Me, Me. We'd never heard of microwaves.......Or telephones in cars,
And-babies might be bottle-fed......But they weren't grown in jars. And pumping iron got
wrinkles out.....And "gay" meant fancy-free, And dorms were never coed...........
In the Land That Made Me, Me. We hadn't seen enough of jets..... To talk about the lag,
And microchips were what was left...At the bottom of the bag. And Hardware was a box of nails...
And bytes came from a flea, And-rocket ships were fiction.........In the Land That Made Me, Me.
Buick's came with portholes......Side shows came with freaks, And-bathing suits came big enough.
To cover both your cheeks. And Coke came just in bottles......And skirts came to the knee, And-
Castro came to power..........In the Land That Made Me, Me.
We had no Crest with Fluoride....We had no Hill Street Blues, We all wore superstructure bras...
Designed by Howard Hughes. We had no patterned pantyhose.....Or Lipton herbal tea Or-
prime-time ads for condoms.......In the Land That Made Me, Me. There were no golden arches....
No Perrier to chill, And fish were not called Wanda.....And cats were not called Bill. And middle-
aged was 35........
And old was forty-three, And ancient were our parents........In the Land That Made Me, Me.
But all things have a season.....Or so we've heard them say, And now instead of Maybalene.....
We swear by Retin-A. And they send us invitations...To join AARP, We've come a long way, baby...
From the Land That Made Me, Me. So now we face a brave new world.....In slightly larger jeans,
And wonder why they're using...Smaller print in magazines. And we tell our children's children...
Of the way it used to be, Long ago and far away.......In the Land That Made Me, Me.........
Hydrogen Peroxide
"I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little old bottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00 at any drug store. My husband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and most doctors don't tell you about peroxide, or they would lose thousands of dollars."
1. Take one capful (the little white cap that comes with the bottle) and hold in your mouth for 10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I do it when I bathe.) No more canker sores and your teeth will be whiter without expensive pastes. Use it instead of mouthwash. (small print says mouth wash and gargle right on the bottle).
2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of "Peroxide" to keep them free of germs.
3. Clean your counters, table tops with peroxide to kill germs and leave a fresh smell. Simply put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or spray it on the counters.
4. After- rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour peroxide on it to kill salmonella and other bacteria.
5. I had a fungus on my feet for years - until I sprayed a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water on them (especially the toes) every night and let dry.
6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five to ten minutes several times a day. My husband has seen gangrene that would not heal with any medicine, but was healed by soaking in peroxide.
8. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septic system like bleach or most other disinfectants will.
9. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 mixture whenever you have a cold, or plugged sinuses. It will bubble and help to kill the bacteria. Hold for a few minutes then blow your nose into a tissue.
10. If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a dentist right away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten minutes several times a day. The pain will lessen greatly.
12. Put -half of a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils, fungus, or other skin infections.
13. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load of whites in your laundry to whiten them. If there is blood on clothing, pour directly on the soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then rub it and rinse with cold water. Repeat if necessary.
14. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors with, and there is no smearing.
It is a little brown bottle no home should be without! With prices of most necessities rising, I'm glad there's a way to save tons of money in such a simple, healthy manner.
"I would like to tell you of the benefits of that plain little old bottle of 3% peroxide you can get for under $1.00 at any drug store. My husband has been in the medical field for over 36 years, and most doctors don't tell you about peroxide, or they would lose thousands of dollars."
1. Take one capful (the little white cap that comes with the bottle) and hold in your mouth for 10 minutes daily, then spit it out. (I do it when I bathe.) No more canker sores and your teeth will be whiter without expensive pastes. Use it instead of mouthwash. (small print says mouth wash and gargle right on the bottle).
2. Let your toothbrushes soak in a cup of "Peroxide" to keep them free of germs.
3. Clean your counters, table tops with peroxide to kill germs and leave a fresh smell. Simply put a little on your dishrag when you wipe, or spray it on the counters.
4. After- rinsing off your wooden cutting board, pour peroxide on it to kill salmonella and other bacteria.
5. I had a fungus on my feet for years - until I sprayed a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water on them (especially the toes) every night and let dry.
6. Soak any infections or cuts in 3% peroxide for five to ten minutes several times a day. My husband has seen gangrene that would not heal with any medicine, but was healed by soaking in peroxide.
8. Fill a spray bottle with a 50/50 mixture of peroxide and water and keep it in every bathroom to disinfect without harming your septic system like bleach or most other disinfectants will.
9. Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 mixture whenever you have a cold, or plugged sinuses. It will bubble and help to kill the bacteria. Hold for a few minutes then blow your nose into a tissue.
10. If you have a terrible toothache and cannot get to a dentist right away, put a capful of 3% peroxide into your mouth and hold it for ten minutes several times a day. The pain will lessen greatly.
12. Put -half of a bottle of peroxide in your bath to help rid boils, fungus, or other skin infections.
13. You can also add a cup of peroxide instead of bleach to a load of whites in your laundry to whiten them. If there is blood on clothing, pour directly on the soiled spot. Let it sit for a minute, then rub it and rinse with cold water. Repeat if necessary.
14. I use peroxide to clean my mirrors with, and there is no smearing.
It is a little brown bottle no home should be without! With prices of most necessities rising, I'm glad there's a way to save tons of money in such a simple, healthy manner.
Anti Semitism in France
Anti-Semitism is as bad in France as in the Mid E. We must stay informed on it too. Finally and long overdue, your people, oppressed and disgraced by hatred & maliciousness, have achieved justice: now you enjoy full citizen's rights, but you'll remain Jews nonetheless." Franz Grillparzer (1791-1872), Austrian author.
"That shitty little country, Israel." Daniel Bernard, French Ambassador to England (and former French ambassador to the UN), December 2001. A brief recap of recent events: 4/3/02: Two molotov cocktails were thrown at a synagogue outside Paris; 4/2/02: Or Aviv Synagogue in Marseille was burned to the ground; 4/2/02: Arsonists struck a pavilion in a Jewish cemetery in the E. town of Schiltigheim, France; 3/30-31/02: Arsonists attacked synagogues in Strasbourg, France after an anti-Israel demonstration; 15 masked men drove two cars through the gates and into a synagogue in Lyon. They set fire to one of the cars in the prayer hall; A gunman opened fire on a kosher butcher's shop (and, of course, the butcher) in Toulouse, France;
A Jewish couple in their 20s were beaten by 5 men in Villeurbanne, France. She was pregnant. A Jewish school was broken into and vandalized in Sarcelles, France. This was in the past week. According to the Anti-Defamation League, from 9/9/00, the start of the intifada, to 11/20/01, there were 330 anti-Semitic acts just in and around Paris. Plus scores of fire bombing synagogues. Just before Rosh Hashanah, 200 Arabs attacked Jews on the Champs Elysees. The pace picked up since then.
In December, a French cinema in Paris refused to allow a Hanukah showing of Harry Potter to 800 Jewish children because of French-Palestinian threats (the threats were confirmed by French police who then went on to do nothing, not even give details).
It was one incident in an eventful month when synagogues continued to be firebombed and a Jewish kindergarten was vandalized with anti-Semitic graffiti and set ablaze. We understand French anti-Semitism. There's nothing the French love like their traditions and, on the question of hating Jews, they certainly have tradition galore. What, however, can explain the sometimes muted, sometimes defensively outraged reaction of French officials? Simple. There are approximately 5,000,000 to 6,000,000 Muslims living in France and many more arrive daily.
There are only about 600,000 Jews still living in France. Moreover, France is the #1 European exporter to Iraq, totaling over $2 Billion per year in exports since 2000. To those who are at a loss to explain why French elected officials seem "helpless" to stem the tide of anti-Semitism, I say that something smells awfully Vichy around here.
You already know that Israel is at war against a fearsome enemy, which has brought the fight to its streets. Much of the civilized world (well, at least on this side of the Atlantic), finally understands this fact.
What is not being acknowledged, however, is that this is not a war against Israel, or, as propagandists and demagogues worldwide would have it, occupiers. This is a war against each and every individual, Israeli or not, religious or not, Zionist or not, right, left or center, who identifies themself as Jew.
Israel is only the publicized front line and if you are not in Israel, and the fight has not arrived at your front yard, just wait. Maybe we shouldn't. Perhaps history has finally taught us, of all people, that waiting and hoping for succor and sympathy from the nations of the world will lead only to more burned synagogues, pogroms, and, down the road, grim faced dignitaries mouthing "never again" while dedicating yet another memorial museum.
We cannot wait, inactively and hope to have security or peace for our children or ourselves. We dare not privately rail against irrational, virulent hatred while letting the world believe that we remain disinterested, accepting our lot with equanimity or, worse, resignation.We can, and must, do more than merely grieve.
So I call on you, whether you are a fellow Jew, friend, or merely a person with the capacity and desire to distinguish decency from depravity, to do, at least, these three simple things.
1. Care enough to stay informed. Don't ever let yourself become deludedinto thinking this is not your fight.
2. Boycott France. Only the Arab countries are more toxically anti-Semitic and, unlike them, France exports more than just oil/hatred.Boycott their wines/perfumes/clothes/food/movies & shores. If we're resolved we can exert amazing pressure and, whatever else we know about the French, we know they're a cobweb in a hurricane in the face of well directed pressure.
3. Send this along to your family/friends/co-workers. Think of all of the people of good conscience that you know and let them know you and those you care about need their help (remind your non-Jewish friends that France may not care much for them either --today, the best selling book in France is "9/11: The Frightening Fraud." It argues no plane ever hit the Pentagon). Our only strength is the strength of our community and there can be no community without communication.
"That shitty little country, Israel." Daniel Bernard, French Ambassador to England (and former French ambassador to the UN), December 2001. A brief recap of recent events: 4/3/02: Two molotov cocktails were thrown at a synagogue outside Paris; 4/2/02: Or Aviv Synagogue in Marseille was burned to the ground; 4/2/02: Arsonists struck a pavilion in a Jewish cemetery in the E. town of Schiltigheim, France; 3/30-31/02: Arsonists attacked synagogues in Strasbourg, France after an anti-Israel demonstration; 15 masked men drove two cars through the gates and into a synagogue in Lyon. They set fire to one of the cars in the prayer hall; A gunman opened fire on a kosher butcher's shop (and, of course, the butcher) in Toulouse, France;
A Jewish couple in their 20s were beaten by 5 men in Villeurbanne, France. She was pregnant. A Jewish school was broken into and vandalized in Sarcelles, France. This was in the past week. According to the Anti-Defamation League, from 9/9/00, the start of the intifada, to 11/20/01, there were 330 anti-Semitic acts just in and around Paris. Plus scores of fire bombing synagogues. Just before Rosh Hashanah, 200 Arabs attacked Jews on the Champs Elysees. The pace picked up since then.
In December, a French cinema in Paris refused to allow a Hanukah showing of Harry Potter to 800 Jewish children because of French-Palestinian threats (the threats were confirmed by French police who then went on to do nothing, not even give details).
It was one incident in an eventful month when synagogues continued to be firebombed and a Jewish kindergarten was vandalized with anti-Semitic graffiti and set ablaze. We understand French anti-Semitism. There's nothing the French love like their traditions and, on the question of hating Jews, they certainly have tradition galore. What, however, can explain the sometimes muted, sometimes defensively outraged reaction of French officials? Simple. There are approximately 5,000,000 to 6,000,000 Muslims living in France and many more arrive daily.
There are only about 600,000 Jews still living in France. Moreover, France is the #1 European exporter to Iraq, totaling over $2 Billion per year in exports since 2000. To those who are at a loss to explain why French elected officials seem "helpless" to stem the tide of anti-Semitism, I say that something smells awfully Vichy around here.
You already know that Israel is at war against a fearsome enemy, which has brought the fight to its streets. Much of the civilized world (well, at least on this side of the Atlantic), finally understands this fact.
What is not being acknowledged, however, is that this is not a war against Israel, or, as propagandists and demagogues worldwide would have it, occupiers. This is a war against each and every individual, Israeli or not, religious or not, Zionist or not, right, left or center, who identifies themself as Jew.
Israel is only the publicized front line and if you are not in Israel, and the fight has not arrived at your front yard, just wait. Maybe we shouldn't. Perhaps history has finally taught us, of all people, that waiting and hoping for succor and sympathy from the nations of the world will lead only to more burned synagogues, pogroms, and, down the road, grim faced dignitaries mouthing "never again" while dedicating yet another memorial museum.
We cannot wait, inactively and hope to have security or peace for our children or ourselves. We dare not privately rail against irrational, virulent hatred while letting the world believe that we remain disinterested, accepting our lot with equanimity or, worse, resignation.We can, and must, do more than merely grieve.
So I call on you, whether you are a fellow Jew, friend, or merely a person with the capacity and desire to distinguish decency from depravity, to do, at least, these three simple things.
1. Care enough to stay informed. Don't ever let yourself become deludedinto thinking this is not your fight.
2. Boycott France. Only the Arab countries are more toxically anti-Semitic and, unlike them, France exports more than just oil/hatred.Boycott their wines/perfumes/clothes/food/movies & shores. If we're resolved we can exert amazing pressure and, whatever else we know about the French, we know they're a cobweb in a hurricane in the face of well directed pressure.
3. Send this along to your family/friends/co-workers. Think of all of the people of good conscience that you know and let them know you and those you care about need their help (remind your non-Jewish friends that France may not care much for them either --today, the best selling book in France is "9/11: The Frightening Fraud." It argues no plane ever hit the Pentagon). Our only strength is the strength of our community and there can be no community without communication.
W. Beffet Quote
"They say the chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are too heavy to be broken.
The chains you put around yourself now have enormous consequences as you go through life." --
Warren Buffett
The chains you put around yourself now have enormous consequences as you go through life." --
Warren Buffett
Banking fees (a joke)
My aunt died last January.
The bank billed her for Feb. & March monthly service charge on her credit card, & then added late fees & interest...the balance had been $0.00... now was around $60.00)
So I placed the following phone call to the bank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God’ll be mad at her?"
Bank:"...excuse me .....?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... The-part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: "....(Stammer) Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." (Fax # is given )
Bank: (After they get fax): "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, keep billing her...I suppose...don't think she’ll care...."
Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Me: (Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy. 129 and plot # given.)
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
The bank billed her for Feb. & March monthly service charge on her credit card, & then added late fees & interest...the balance had been $0.00... now was around $60.00)
So I placed the following phone call to the bank:
Me: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections..."
Bank: "Since it is 2 months past due, it already has been."
Me: "So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division, or report her to the credit bureau...maybe both!"
Me: "Do you think God’ll be mad at her?"
Bank:"...excuse me .....?"
Me: "Did you just get what I was telling you.... The-part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor!"(Supervisor gets on the phone)
Me: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Me: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: "....(Stammer) Are you her lawyer?"
Me: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given...)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Me: "Sure." (Fax # is given )
Bank: (After they get fax): "Our system just isn't setup for death..."
Me: "Oh..."
Bank: "I don't know what more I can do to help..."
Me: "Well... if you figure it out, great! If not, keep billing her...I suppose...don't think she’ll care...."
Bank: "Well...the late fees and charges do still apply."
Me: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Me: (Odessa Memorial Cemetery #### Hwy. 129 and plot # given.)
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Me: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Where to live in retirement?
Where to live in retirement?
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
4. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open an oven door.
5. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks directions, you tell them how long it’ll take to get there v. how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You can get into a four-hour argument over how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
2. You think Central Park is nature,
3. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
4. You've worn out a car horn.
5. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything- flannel, with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty, Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care
center.
3 A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Wherever you go, there's no place like home.
You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
3. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
4. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open an oven door.
5. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks directions, you tell them how long it’ll take to get there v. how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You can get into a four-hour argument over how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
2. You think Central Park is nature,
3. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
4. You've worn out a car horn.
5. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything- flannel, with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty, Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care
center.
3 A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Wherever you go, there's no place like home.
Hell: Explained by a Chemistry Student.
Dear Friends: Whether you like chemistry or not will not diminish your enjoyment of this "academic" item.
Of course, you may read it just "for the hell of it." ~ Bing
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT:
The following is an actual question given on a- University- of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via
the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as- well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands
and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you’re not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions & since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth & death rates as they are, we can
expect the number of souls in Hell to increase-exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature & pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature
and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman Year that, "It will be a
cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last
night, then # two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not
accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!"
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+!
Of course, you may read it just "for the hell of it." ~ Bing
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT:
The following is an actual question given on a- University- of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via
the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as- well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands
and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at
which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving I think that we can safely
assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how
many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you’re not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell.
Since there is more than one of these religions & since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth & death rates as they are, we can
expect the number of souls in Hell to increase-exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order
for the temperature & pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand
proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the
temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature
and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman Year that, "It will be a
cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last
night, then # two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already
frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not
accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the
existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!"
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+!
Why God gave Jews the Ten Commandments
Why God gave Jews the Ten Commandments
There’s a little known tale of how God came to give them to the Jews.
First He went to the Egyptians & asked them if they’d like a commandment.
They asked what’s a-commandment?
It’s like Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, He replied.
They considered it & refused because it would ruin their weekends.
So God asked the Assyrians if they’d like one.
They also asked, “What’s a-commandment?”
God said, ”It’s like Thou Shalt Not Steal.”
They instantly replied, “No way. It’d ruin our economy. “
Finally God went to the Jews & asked them, Do you want a commandment?
They asked how much.
He said, “Free.”
They said “Great! We’ll take 10!”
There’s a little known tale of how God came to give them to the Jews.
First He went to the Egyptians & asked them if they’d like a commandment.
They asked what’s a-commandment?
It’s like Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, He replied.
They considered it & refused because it would ruin their weekends.
So God asked the Assyrians if they’d like one.
They also asked, “What’s a-commandment?”
God said, ”It’s like Thou Shalt Not Steal.”
They instantly replied, “No way. It’d ruin our economy. “
Finally God went to the Jews & asked them, Do you want a commandment?
They asked how much.
He said, “Free.”
They said “Great! We’ll take 10!”
3/11/02 - Herzl and Pinsker: Profound Influences on Zionism - By M. Asinoff
3/11/02 - Herzl and Pinsker: Profound Influences on Zionism - By M. Asinoff
Leo Pinsker was born in 1821, in Russian occupied Poland. His dad was a Hebrew Scholar who taught him more than most children there. This and his ability to assimilate among Russian Jews very well helped him get into a Russian high school. His dad instilled a value of education in him. So he studied law on his own, before entering The Moscow University of Medicine.
Upon graduation he returned to Odessa where he became a leading physician in the community and was decorated by the Czar, Nicholas I for helping soldiers with Typhus. He became a Zionist in 1881, ten years before his death. He believed Jews would eventually get the religious freedom they yearned for when the Czar lost power and a constitutional monarchy gained it. But he became even more dismayed with Russia than his colleagues after the pogroms (mob attack against Jews).
He was interested in Jewish affairs and chose to go beyond the "enlighteners", whose teachings said those Russian things such as language should dominate ever aspect of life, even religion. This was unacceptable to Jews. It eventually caused attacks against them in Odessa during Easter, in 1881. [i]
Pinsker felt they needed Palestine as a homeland because they were a minority everywhere and had to suppress their religion/assimilate into the various cultures they lived in due to anti-Semitism. His pamphlet was greeted with indignation in many circles. The orthodox felt he lacked religion and the liberals attacked him as a traitor to the faith. His followers were semi-modernized, Russian Jews. But by 1884 he founded the Hibbot Zion movement.
Then he wrote that the essence of the problem lies in the fact that Jews are a distinct element in the nations in which they live. And their Judaism prohibited assimilation. He felt they needed a homeland like other peoples to physically unite/bond. A homeland would permit them to share a common language, culture, history, patriotism, sense of purpose and goal like other nations.
He felt that since the Jews never had any of these things many of them were apathetic toward it. He said that many were thrilled just to live in peace. To others the concept of freedom of worship was a luxury to some it was an unattainable dream. Knowing all this he wanted to stir Jews to rise up and believe that they had the right to a homeland and everything that came along with it. He felt that this gave their lives deeper meaning/sense of purpose.
But this did not stop him from trying to include Judaism into a liberal Russia. He preached that there must be "new remedies and ways" and anonymously published his views in -a German pamphlet. [ii]
Theodor Herzl was also a founding father of Zionism. He was born in 1860, in Budapest, Hungary. His dad was in the clothing business. Like most of his peers he attended a local school and received a decent education.
Although his family still had some old Jewish customs, they were primarily assimilated into the Hungarian culture. He studied literature in college, when living in Vienna and led a fairly calm life, maintaining a low profile. He entered Roman Law School in 1878 and joined the Vienna Bar in 1884.
While attending school he read a lot, wrote a few brief plays and many essays. [iii] But his sense of righteousness made him a Jewish advocate. He saw anti-Semitism was rampant in Europe. And just could not ignore it. He felt he must do something because he saw himself as their leader. So he put his morals in writing and published a newspaper. [iv]
After unsuccessfully appealing to the small group of rich Jews in Eastern Europe for aid he targeted the masses with his newspaper. This was not easy, especially since the idea of a Palestinian state being a homeland for the Jews meant different things to different people. Some wanted a Utopia. Others envisioned a theocracy. Being a very pragmatic and accepting man he wanted it to be a Democracy where Jews lived in peace here and worshiped freely, without fear of persecution. He soon realized that was impossible for Eastern European Jews.
He wanted Jews to be able live in peace anywhere. And not be forced to live in ghettos and pay extra taxes to the King, simply because they were Jews. The government could not protect them. It remained neutral out for fear of alienating the masses and creating dissention among supporters.
He felt that Jews needed a man like him to help unite & organize them & wondered what would become of them without his vision to guide them. Everyone knew previous plans to deal with them failed for various reasons. They considered becoming peasants. But that concept was flawed from the start because within the next generation or two peasants be virtually extinct. He also thought if everyone let the Jews live in peace they’d assimilate into mainstream society within a few generations. But he knew that was “mission impossible”.
Besides, in his heart & soul he knew it’d never happen. He thought the next best thing was to move the Jews from Europe to Palestine. So they could set up a homeland where they could live in peace. He wanted to see them move gradually over the years in order of need. The most- dire would go first. Once there, they could begin to build infrastructure for the society they’d create. He thought that there should be agencies to help organize this. It seemed obvious that they would need order & structure if they even had a chance of pulling it off.
Comparison/Contrast of Both Men
Pinsker was of Eastern European decent. He was also very well educated, a fairly successful attorney and a mench (good person). There’s no doubt he cared about people, especially Jews and wanted to see them live and prosper in peace. But knew that wasn’t going to happen in Eastern Europe. So he became involved in Zionism.
This was his way of helping Jews create a new sense of identity. The current one was that- of second- class citizen to be persecuted for seeking equality under the law. He wanted them to have something everyone else took for granted: freedom of worship.
His problem was that despite his pure motives he was not an effective leader. God did not give him that gift. So he could not motivate/inspire people to believe in or follow him/his cause.
This was compounded by a lack of specific, detailed planning. It’d take a lot of that in order to win people's minds. Without it he couldn’t persuade them that his ideas work, or that Palestine could be the Jews' national homeland. No one believed it could be a refuge where they’d live and worship in peace, much less be accepted as individuals a people. The inability to sway the masses led to apathy, lack of credibility and disbelief by most Jews. His dream was at a standstill. By 1896 it was dying very slowly. And he couldn’t do anything about it.
Who knows what would have happened if Herzl didn't come along when he did. He had just what the "dr. ordered": a "prescription" for the right "medicine", a "colonic" to revitalize the movement.
It was a little like Pinsker was Moses, Herzl was Joshua and the floundering movement was the Jews wandering in the Sinai Desert on their way to the Promised Land. Moses brought the Jews out of Egypt and into the desert and Joshua guided them the rest of their journey into the Promised Land.
Herzl had a very pragmatic view of life in Europe for Jews today & in the future. And knew it was not-pretty. So he devised a detailed plan for migrating Jews into Palestine from Europe. He also created a detailed plan as to who would go there & when. And what needed to be done upon arrival. No one could argue with his reasoning. His plans were very good. He knew that it would take considerable time too. So he factored a reasonable time into his plan too. His common sense dictated to him that it would take years.
It was this common sense that was so instrumental in his ability to sway people. This combined with a little bit of logic was able to go the Jericho mile in gaining credibility for him/his plan. They were both instrumental to the eventual creation of Israel's status as the free/independent nation that will live forever. Jews owe a big debt of gratitude to both men. They should be revered as heroes!
Works Cited
1. The History of Zionism,p. . Laquer, Walter. Schocken, N.Y., N.Y., 1976.
2. The Auto-Emancipation, p. . Germany, 1882.
3. The History of Zionism, p. . Laquer, Walter. Schocken, N.Y., N.Y., 1976.
4. The Judenstat, p. . Herzl, Theodor. 1896, Germany.
Leo Pinsker was born in 1821, in Russian occupied Poland. His dad was a Hebrew Scholar who taught him more than most children there. This and his ability to assimilate among Russian Jews very well helped him get into a Russian high school. His dad instilled a value of education in him. So he studied law on his own, before entering The Moscow University of Medicine.
Upon graduation he returned to Odessa where he became a leading physician in the community and was decorated by the Czar, Nicholas I for helping soldiers with Typhus. He became a Zionist in 1881, ten years before his death. He believed Jews would eventually get the religious freedom they yearned for when the Czar lost power and a constitutional monarchy gained it. But he became even more dismayed with Russia than his colleagues after the pogroms (mob attack against Jews).
He was interested in Jewish affairs and chose to go beyond the "enlighteners", whose teachings said those Russian things such as language should dominate ever aspect of life, even religion. This was unacceptable to Jews. It eventually caused attacks against them in Odessa during Easter, in 1881. [i]
Pinsker felt they needed Palestine as a homeland because they were a minority everywhere and had to suppress their religion/assimilate into the various cultures they lived in due to anti-Semitism. His pamphlet was greeted with indignation in many circles. The orthodox felt he lacked religion and the liberals attacked him as a traitor to the faith. His followers were semi-modernized, Russian Jews. But by 1884 he founded the Hibbot Zion movement.
Then he wrote that the essence of the problem lies in the fact that Jews are a distinct element in the nations in which they live. And their Judaism prohibited assimilation. He felt they needed a homeland like other peoples to physically unite/bond. A homeland would permit them to share a common language, culture, history, patriotism, sense of purpose and goal like other nations.
He felt that since the Jews never had any of these things many of them were apathetic toward it. He said that many were thrilled just to live in peace. To others the concept of freedom of worship was a luxury to some it was an unattainable dream. Knowing all this he wanted to stir Jews to rise up and believe that they had the right to a homeland and everything that came along with it. He felt that this gave their lives deeper meaning/sense of purpose.
But this did not stop him from trying to include Judaism into a liberal Russia. He preached that there must be "new remedies and ways" and anonymously published his views in -a German pamphlet. [ii]
Theodor Herzl was also a founding father of Zionism. He was born in 1860, in Budapest, Hungary. His dad was in the clothing business. Like most of his peers he attended a local school and received a decent education.
Although his family still had some old Jewish customs, they were primarily assimilated into the Hungarian culture. He studied literature in college, when living in Vienna and led a fairly calm life, maintaining a low profile. He entered Roman Law School in 1878 and joined the Vienna Bar in 1884.
While attending school he read a lot, wrote a few brief plays and many essays. [iii] But his sense of righteousness made him a Jewish advocate. He saw anti-Semitism was rampant in Europe. And just could not ignore it. He felt he must do something because he saw himself as their leader. So he put his morals in writing and published a newspaper. [iv]
After unsuccessfully appealing to the small group of rich Jews in Eastern Europe for aid he targeted the masses with his newspaper. This was not easy, especially since the idea of a Palestinian state being a homeland for the Jews meant different things to different people. Some wanted a Utopia. Others envisioned a theocracy. Being a very pragmatic and accepting man he wanted it to be a Democracy where Jews lived in peace here and worshiped freely, without fear of persecution. He soon realized that was impossible for Eastern European Jews.
He wanted Jews to be able live in peace anywhere. And not be forced to live in ghettos and pay extra taxes to the King, simply because they were Jews. The government could not protect them. It remained neutral out for fear of alienating the masses and creating dissention among supporters.
He felt that Jews needed a man like him to help unite & organize them & wondered what would become of them without his vision to guide them. Everyone knew previous plans to deal with them failed for various reasons. They considered becoming peasants. But that concept was flawed from the start because within the next generation or two peasants be virtually extinct. He also thought if everyone let the Jews live in peace they’d assimilate into mainstream society within a few generations. But he knew that was “mission impossible”.
Besides, in his heart & soul he knew it’d never happen. He thought the next best thing was to move the Jews from Europe to Palestine. So they could set up a homeland where they could live in peace. He wanted to see them move gradually over the years in order of need. The most- dire would go first. Once there, they could begin to build infrastructure for the society they’d create. He thought that there should be agencies to help organize this. It seemed obvious that they would need order & structure if they even had a chance of pulling it off.
Comparison/Contrast of Both Men
Pinsker was of Eastern European decent. He was also very well educated, a fairly successful attorney and a mench (good person). There’s no doubt he cared about people, especially Jews and wanted to see them live and prosper in peace. But knew that wasn’t going to happen in Eastern Europe. So he became involved in Zionism.
This was his way of helping Jews create a new sense of identity. The current one was that- of second- class citizen to be persecuted for seeking equality under the law. He wanted them to have something everyone else took for granted: freedom of worship.
His problem was that despite his pure motives he was not an effective leader. God did not give him that gift. So he could not motivate/inspire people to believe in or follow him/his cause.
This was compounded by a lack of specific, detailed planning. It’d take a lot of that in order to win people's minds. Without it he couldn’t persuade them that his ideas work, or that Palestine could be the Jews' national homeland. No one believed it could be a refuge where they’d live and worship in peace, much less be accepted as individuals a people. The inability to sway the masses led to apathy, lack of credibility and disbelief by most Jews. His dream was at a standstill. By 1896 it was dying very slowly. And he couldn’t do anything about it.
Who knows what would have happened if Herzl didn't come along when he did. He had just what the "dr. ordered": a "prescription" for the right "medicine", a "colonic" to revitalize the movement.
It was a little like Pinsker was Moses, Herzl was Joshua and the floundering movement was the Jews wandering in the Sinai Desert on their way to the Promised Land. Moses brought the Jews out of Egypt and into the desert and Joshua guided them the rest of their journey into the Promised Land.
Herzl had a very pragmatic view of life in Europe for Jews today & in the future. And knew it was not-pretty. So he devised a detailed plan for migrating Jews into Palestine from Europe. He also created a detailed plan as to who would go there & when. And what needed to be done upon arrival. No one could argue with his reasoning. His plans were very good. He knew that it would take considerable time too. So he factored a reasonable time into his plan too. His common sense dictated to him that it would take years.
It was this common sense that was so instrumental in his ability to sway people. This combined with a little bit of logic was able to go the Jericho mile in gaining credibility for him/his plan. They were both instrumental to the eventual creation of Israel's status as the free/independent nation that will live forever. Jews owe a big debt of gratitude to both men. They should be revered as heroes!
Works Cited
1. The History of Zionism,p. . Laquer, Walter. Schocken, N.Y., N.Y., 1976.
2. The Auto-Emancipation, p. . Germany, 1882.
3. The History of Zionism, p. . Laquer, Walter. Schocken, N.Y., N.Y., 1976.
4. The Judenstat, p. . Herzl, Theodor. 1896, Germany.
Pop & the Rabbi
The Pope & the Rabbi
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed all the Jews must convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jews. So the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with a Rabbi. If he won, they could stay. If the Pope won, they'd have to leave.
The Jews met and picked an old, wise Rabbi, Moishe. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian & the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed it'd be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day, they sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised 3 fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back & raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer & a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up & conceded. Rabbi Moishe was so clever & the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. He said, "First I held up 3 fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
Then, I waved my finger to show him that God's all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was here too.
I pulled out the wine & wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten & I couldn't go on."
Meanwhile the Jews gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said we had three days to leave. So I said, Up yours!
Then he said the whole country would be cleared of Jews & I said we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch. So I took out mine."
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed all the Jews must convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jews. So the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with a Rabbi. If he won, they could stay. If the Pope won, they'd have to leave.
The Jews met and picked an old, wise Rabbi, Moishe. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian & the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed it'd be a "silent" debate. On the chosen day, they sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised 3 fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back & raised one finger.
Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer & a chalice of wine.
Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up & conceded. Rabbi Moishe was so clever & the Jews could stay.
Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. He said, "First I held up 3 fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.
Then, I waved my finger to show him that God's all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was here too.
I pulled out the wine & wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten & I couldn't go on."
Meanwhile the Jews gathered around Rabbi Moishe. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Moishe, "First he said we had three days to leave. So I said, Up yours!
Then he said the whole country would be cleared of Jews & I said we're staying right here."
"And then what," asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe, "He took out his lunch. So I took out mine."
Fight Cancer With Garlic and Onions By Paul Recer
Fight Cancer With Garlic and Onions By Paul Recer
Note: Whats good for the prostate is good for the lymph system, etc. Read on.....
WASHINGTON (AP) - Men in China have the lowest prostate cancer % in the world, & a diet rich in garlic, shallots & onions may be a reason. Researchers at the National Cancer Institute report in a new study that a diet with lots of vegetables from the allium’s food group -- which includes garlic, shallots & onions -- reduces risk of prostate cancer by about half.
And the common Chinese diet includes hearty servings of these vegetables. The study, appearing this week in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute, is based on interviews with 238 men with prostate cancer & 471 without. Men in the study, all residents of Shanghai, China, were asked how frequently they ate 122 food items. The results showed that those who ate more than 1/3 oz. a day from the allium food group were about 50% less likely to have prostate cancer than those who ate less of the foods. "We checked on many food items & the allium food group stood out (as protective against prostate cancer)," said Ann W. Hsing, an NCI epidemiologist & the first author of the study. "But the conclusions need to be replicated in another study." She said the study was conducted in Shanghai because China has the lowest rate of prostate cancer in the world. Scallions seemed to be the most protective. According to the study, men who ate about a 1/10 oz. or more a day of scallions reduced their prostate cancer risk by about 70%. For garlic consumption of the same amount, the prostate cancer risk was reduced about 53%. Hsing said the typical Chinese diet is much more heavily seasoned with garlic, scallions & onions than is the traditional American diet. But even so, the amount of allium vegetables consumed is measured only in fractional ounces. For instance, the study suggests that an effective level of prostate cancer protection can be achieved with about one clove of garlic a day.
"The reduced risk of prostate cancer associated with allium vegetables was independent of body size, intake of other foods & total calorie intake," the study authors reported. Hsing said the study reinforces earlier studies that have linked high vegetable consumption to a reduced risk of prostate cancer. For instance, earlier studies have found that that eating tomatoes & tomato products can lower risk of prostate cancer. Italy, where tomato sauce & garlic are favorites, has one of the lowest rates of prostate cancer in Europe, said Hsing. Janet Stanford, a cancer epidemiologist at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle, said the study by Hsing & her co-authors continues to support general finding that "eating vegetables is a good thing." Stanford said her group, in an earlier study, linked broccoli, cauliflower and related vegetables to a reduced prostate cancer risk, while a high-fat diet increased the risk. "This shows that your mother was right," said Stanford. "Eat more vegetables." The Shanghai study was conducted by researchers at the National Cancer Institute, one of the National Institutes of Health, & at the Shanghai Cancer Institute in China.
Copyright (c) Associated Press
Which Vitamin Boosts Brain Power? By Dianne Partie Lange
Vitamin E has been touted for its anti-aging & anti-cancer benefits because, as an antioxidant, it counters the destructive action of Molecules, called free radicals. Now a study has shown vitamin E may also help the memory loss & impaired thinking that occurs in the elderly.
Researchers at the Rush Institute for Healthy Aging in Chicago conducted a three-year study involving nearly 3,000 people older than 65 to investigate the cognitive effects of Vitamin E in food & supplements. By comparing the average scores of four different tests of memory and perception, the researchers were able to track change in cognitive function with age. The participants also completed dietary questionnaires periodically, which enabled the researchers to determine their vitamin E intake.
The study found that the higher the intake of total vitamin E, the less change there was in the people's average test scores each year. And those men & women who consumed the most vitamin E had a 36% lower rate of decline in their average test scores than those who consumed the least Vitamin E. Other antioxidants, such as Vitamins A & C, & Carotene had little effect on the results.
Those who took supplements but got little vitamin E from food appeared to have the same protective benefit from the vitamin as those who consumed high amounts of E in their diets, says Martha Clare Morris, an assistant professor at Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke's Medical Center. Several clinical trials are underway to compare protection from cognitive decline in people taking a supplement or a placebo, she says. In this study, the majority who took a supplement reported taking 400 IU a day
Note: Whats good for the prostate is good for the lymph system, etc. Read on.....
WASHINGTON (AP) - Men in China have the lowest prostate cancer % in the world, & a diet rich in garlic, shallots & onions may be a reason. Researchers at the National Cancer Institute report in a new study that a diet with lots of vegetables from the allium’s food group -- which includes garlic, shallots & onions -- reduces risk of prostate cancer by about half.
And the common Chinese diet includes hearty servings of these vegetables. The study, appearing this week in the Journal of the National Cancer Institute, is based on interviews with 238 men with prostate cancer & 471 without. Men in the study, all residents of Shanghai, China, were asked how frequently they ate 122 food items. The results showed that those who ate more than 1/3 oz. a day from the allium food group were about 50% less likely to have prostate cancer than those who ate less of the foods. "We checked on many food items & the allium food group stood out (as protective against prostate cancer)," said Ann W. Hsing, an NCI epidemiologist & the first author of the study. "But the conclusions need to be replicated in another study." She said the study was conducted in Shanghai because China has the lowest rate of prostate cancer in the world. Scallions seemed to be the most protective. According to the study, men who ate about a 1/10 oz. or more a day of scallions reduced their prostate cancer risk by about 70%. For garlic consumption of the same amount, the prostate cancer risk was reduced about 53%. Hsing said the typical Chinese diet is much more heavily seasoned with garlic, scallions & onions than is the traditional American diet. But even so, the amount of allium vegetables consumed is measured only in fractional ounces. For instance, the study suggests that an effective level of prostate cancer protection can be achieved with about one clove of garlic a day.
"The reduced risk of prostate cancer associated with allium vegetables was independent of body size, intake of other foods & total calorie intake," the study authors reported. Hsing said the study reinforces earlier studies that have linked high vegetable consumption to a reduced risk of prostate cancer. For instance, earlier studies have found that that eating tomatoes & tomato products can lower risk of prostate cancer. Italy, where tomato sauce & garlic are favorites, has one of the lowest rates of prostate cancer in Europe, said Hsing. Janet Stanford, a cancer epidemiologist at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle, said the study by Hsing & her co-authors continues to support general finding that "eating vegetables is a good thing." Stanford said her group, in an earlier study, linked broccoli, cauliflower and related vegetables to a reduced prostate cancer risk, while a high-fat diet increased the risk. "This shows that your mother was right," said Stanford. "Eat more vegetables." The Shanghai study was conducted by researchers at the National Cancer Institute, one of the National Institutes of Health, & at the Shanghai Cancer Institute in China.
Copyright (c) Associated Press
Which Vitamin Boosts Brain Power? By Dianne Partie Lange
Vitamin E has been touted for its anti-aging & anti-cancer benefits because, as an antioxidant, it counters the destructive action of Molecules, called free radicals. Now a study has shown vitamin E may also help the memory loss & impaired thinking that occurs in the elderly.
Researchers at the Rush Institute for Healthy Aging in Chicago conducted a three-year study involving nearly 3,000 people older than 65 to investigate the cognitive effects of Vitamin E in food & supplements. By comparing the average scores of four different tests of memory and perception, the researchers were able to track change in cognitive function with age. The participants also completed dietary questionnaires periodically, which enabled the researchers to determine their vitamin E intake.
The study found that the higher the intake of total vitamin E, the less change there was in the people's average test scores each year. And those men & women who consumed the most vitamin E had a 36% lower rate of decline in their average test scores than those who consumed the least Vitamin E. Other antioxidants, such as Vitamins A & C, & Carotene had little effect on the results.
Those who took supplements but got little vitamin E from food appeared to have the same protective benefit from the vitamin as those who consumed high amounts of E in their diets, says Martha Clare Morris, an assistant professor at Rush-Presbyterian-St. Luke's Medical Center. Several clinical trials are underway to compare protection from cognitive decline in people taking a supplement or a placebo, she says. In this study, the majority who took a supplement reported taking 400 IU a day
Grocery List
A poorly, dressed, lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store. She approached the owner humbly & asked to charge a few things. She softly explained her husband was very ill, couldn’t work, they had seven children & needed food.
John Longhouse, the grocer scoffed at her & said, go.
Visualizing the family needs, she said: "Please, sir! I’ll bring you the $ as soon as I can. "
He said he couldn’t give her credit, since she didn’t have a charge account, there.
Standing beside them was a customer who overheard the conversation. She walked forward & told the grocer that he’d pay her bill.
The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, "Do you have a list?"
Louise replied, "Yes"
"O.K" he said, "put it on the scale & whatever it weighs, I’ll give you in groceries."
Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse, took out a piece of paper & scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.
The grocer & customer’s eyes showed amazement when the scales went down & stayed down. The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer & said begrudgingly, "I can't believe it."
The customer smiled & the grocer started putting groceries on the other side of the scales. It didn’t balance. So he continued to add groceries on until the scales wouldn’t hold any more. The grocer stood there in disgust. Finally, he grabbed the list & looked at it with greater amazement.
It wasn’t a list. It was a prayer, which said: "Dear Lord, you know my needs & I am leaving this in your hands."
The grocer gave her the groceries & stood in stunned silence. Louise thanked him & left. The other customer handed him $50 & said, "It was worth every penny. Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs.
"POWER OF PRAYER: When you receive this, say a prayer. That's all you have to do. Just stop right now, & say a prayer of thanks for your own good fortune. Then please send this to all your friends & relatives. Don't break this, please! Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards.
May you always walk- with Angels.
John Longhouse, the grocer scoffed at her & said, go.
Visualizing the family needs, she said: "Please, sir! I’ll bring you the $ as soon as I can. "
He said he couldn’t give her credit, since she didn’t have a charge account, there.
Standing beside them was a customer who overheard the conversation. She walked forward & told the grocer that he’d pay her bill.
The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, "Do you have a list?"
Louise replied, "Yes"
"O.K" he said, "put it on the scale & whatever it weighs, I’ll give you in groceries."
Louise, hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse, took out a piece of paper & scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.
The grocer & customer’s eyes showed amazement when the scales went down & stayed down. The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer & said begrudgingly, "I can't believe it."
The customer smiled & the grocer started putting groceries on the other side of the scales. It didn’t balance. So he continued to add groceries on until the scales wouldn’t hold any more. The grocer stood there in disgust. Finally, he grabbed the list & looked at it with greater amazement.
It wasn’t a list. It was a prayer, which said: "Dear Lord, you know my needs & I am leaving this in your hands."
The grocer gave her the groceries & stood in stunned silence. Louise thanked him & left. The other customer handed him $50 & said, "It was worth every penny. Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs.
"POWER OF PRAYER: When you receive this, say a prayer. That's all you have to do. Just stop right now, & say a prayer of thanks for your own good fortune. Then please send this to all your friends & relatives. Don't break this, please! Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive. There is no cost but a lot of rewards.
May you always walk- with Angels.
Abbott & Costello: updated for new Millennium
Abbott & Costello: updated for new Millennium
A: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
C: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, & thinking about buying a computer.
A: Mac?
C: No, the name's Lou
A: Your computer?
C: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
A: Mac?
C: I told you, my name's Lou.
A: What about Windows?
C: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
A: Do you want a computer with windows?
C: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
A: Wallpaper.
C: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
A: Software for windows?
C: No. On the computer! I write proposals, track expenses & run my business. What do u have?
A: Office.
C: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
A: I just did.
C: You just did what?
A: Recommend something.
C: You recommended something?
A: Yes.
C: For my office?
A: Yes.
C: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
A: Office.
C: Yes, for my office!
A: I recommend office with windows.
C: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets say, I'm sitting at my computer & wanna type a proposal. What do I need?
A: Word.
C: What word?
A: Word in Office.
C: The only word in office is office.
A: The Word in Office for Windows.
C: Which word in office for windows?
A: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
C: I'm gonna click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
A: Yes, you want Real One.
C: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
A: Real One.
C: If it’s a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
A: Of course.
C: Great, with what?
A: Real One.
C: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
A: You click the blue "1."
C: I click the blue one what?
A: The blue "1."
C: Is that different from the blue w?
A: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
C: What word?
A: The Word in Office for Windows.
C: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
A: No, just one. But, it’s the most popular Word in the world.
C: It is?
A: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out the others.
C: And that word is real one?
A: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office.
C: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? Have anything to track $?
A: Money.
C: That's right. What do you have?
A: Money.
C: I need money to track my money?
A: It comes bundled with your computer.
C: What's bundled to my computer?
A: Money.
C: Money comes with my computer?
A: Yes. No extra charge.
C: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
A: One copy.
C: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
A: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
C: They can give you a license to copy money?
A: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (LATER)
C: How do I turn my computer off?
A: Click on "START"..........
A: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
C: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, & thinking about buying a computer.
A: Mac?
C: No, the name's Lou
A: Your computer?
C: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
A: Mac?
C: I told you, my name's Lou.
A: What about Windows?
C: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
A: Do you want a computer with windows?
C: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
A: Wallpaper.
C: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
A: Software for windows?
C: No. On the computer! I write proposals, track expenses & run my business. What do u have?
A: Office.
C: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
A: I just did.
C: You just did what?
A: Recommend something.
C: You recommended something?
A: Yes.
C: For my office?
A: Yes.
C: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
A: Office.
C: Yes, for my office!
A: I recommend office with windows.
C: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets say, I'm sitting at my computer & wanna type a proposal. What do I need?
A: Word.
C: What word?
A: Word in Office.
C: The only word in office is office.
A: The Word in Office for Windows.
C: Which word in office for windows?
A: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
C: I'm gonna click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
A: Yes, you want Real One.
C: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
A: Real One.
C: If it’s a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
A: Of course.
C: Great, with what?
A: Real One.
C: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
A: You click the blue "1."
C: I click the blue one what?
A: The blue "1."
C: Is that different from the blue w?
A: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
C: What word?
A: The Word in Office for Windows.
C: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
A: No, just one. But, it’s the most popular Word in the world.
C: It is?
A: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out the others.
C: And that word is real one?
A: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even Part of Office.
C: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? Have anything to track $?
A: Money.
C: That's right. What do you have?
A: Money.
C: I need money to track my money?
A: It comes bundled with your computer.
C: What's bundled to my computer?
A: Money.
C: Money comes with my computer?
A: Yes. No extra charge.
C: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
A: One copy.
C: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
A: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
C: They can give you a license to copy money?
A: Why not? THEY OWN IT! (LATER)
C: How do I turn my computer off?
A: Click on "START"..........
Who you are makes a difference!
A NYC teacher decided to honor her h.s. seniors by telling them the difference they each made. She called each student to the front of the class, one at a time. First she told each how they made a difference to her and the class.
Then she gave each of them a blue ribbon with gold letters. It read, "WHO I AM MAKES A DIFFERENCE"Afterwards she decided to do a class project to see the kind of impact recognition has on a community.
She gave each student three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they would report the results to the class in about a week.One boy honored a jr. executive in a nearby company for helping him with his career planning.
Then, he gave the executive the extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going.
Then please report back to me and tell me what happened. Later that day the jr. executive went in to see his boss, who was grouchy. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.The boss seemed very surprised. The jr. executive asked him if he would accept a blue ribbon. His surprised boss said sure. So the jr. executive put it right on his boss's jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a favor? Take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else. The young boy who gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.
That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the jr. executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine. He thinks I'm a creative genius.
Then he put this blue ribbon that says 'Who I Am Makes A Difference' on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I’d honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor you. My days are really hectic and when I come home I don't pay much attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades and your room being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Next to your mother, you are the most important person to me. You're a great kid and I love you!"
The startled boy started sobbing uncontrollably. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "I was planning on committing suicide tomorrow, Dad, because I didn't think you loved me. Now I know you do. This is the happiest day I've known. "The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch but made sure to let all his employees know that they made a difference.
The jr. executive helped several other young people with career planning and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference it his life...one being the boss' son. And the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson. Who you are DOES make a difference. So just smile and know that someone thinks that you are important, or you wouldn't have received this in the first place. Remember that! Injustice Breeds Destruction (Justicia Es La Causa)!
Then she gave each of them a blue ribbon with gold letters. It read, "WHO I AM MAKES A DIFFERENCE"Afterwards she decided to do a class project to see the kind of impact recognition has on a community.
She gave each student three more ribbons and instructed them to go out and spread this acknowledgment ceremony. Then they would report the results to the class in about a week.One boy honored a jr. executive in a nearby company for helping him with his career planning.
Then, he gave the executive the extra ribbons and said, "We're doing a class project on recognition, and we'd like you to go out, find somebody to honor, give them a blue ribbon, then give them the extra blue ribbon so they can acknowledge a third person to keep this acknowledgment ceremony going.
Then please report back to me and tell me what happened. Later that day the jr. executive went in to see his boss, who was grouchy. He sat his boss down and he told him that he deeply admired him for being a creative genius.The boss seemed very surprised. The jr. executive asked him if he would accept a blue ribbon. His surprised boss said sure. So the jr. executive put it right on his boss's jacket above his heart. As he gave him the last extra ribbon, he said, "Would you do me a favor? Take this extra ribbon and pass it on by honoring somebody else. The young boy who gave me the ribbons is doing a project in school and we want to keep this recognition ceremony going and find out how it affects people.
That night the boss came home to his 14-year-old son and sat him down. He said, "The most incredible thing happened to me today. I was in my office and one of the jr. executives came in and told me he admired me and gave me a blue ribbon for being a creative genius. Imagine. He thinks I'm a creative genius.
Then he put this blue ribbon that says 'Who I Am Makes A Difference' on my jacket above my heart. He gave me an extra ribbon and asked me to find somebody else to honor. As I was driving home tonight, I started thinking about whom I’d honor with this ribbon and I thought about you. I want to honor you. My days are really hectic and when I come home I don't pay much attention to you. Sometimes I scream at you for not getting good enough grades and your room being a mess, but somehow tonight, I just wanted to sit here and, well, just let you know that you do make a difference to me. Next to your mother, you are the most important person to me. You're a great kid and I love you!"
The startled boy started sobbing uncontrollably. His whole body shook. He looked up at his father and said through his tears, "I was planning on committing suicide tomorrow, Dad, because I didn't think you loved me. Now I know you do. This is the happiest day I've known. "The boss went back to work a changed man. He was no longer a grouch but made sure to let all his employees know that they made a difference.
The jr. executive helped several other young people with career planning and never forgot to let them know that they made a difference it his life...one being the boss' son. And the young boy and his classmates learned a valuable lesson. Who you are DOES make a difference. So just smile and know that someone thinks that you are important, or you wouldn't have received this in the first place. Remember that! Injustice Breeds Destruction (Justicia Es La Causa)!
God's voice mail
Many people need "voice mail". Ever wonder what it'd be like if God had it?
Imagine praying & hearing the following: Thanks for calling Heaven.For English, press 1. For Spanish, press 2.For all other languages, press 0.
Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for Requests. Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.
I'm sorry; all of our angels & saints are busy helping other sinners. However, your prayer's important to us, & will be answer in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you'd like to speak to:God, press 1. Jesus, press 2. Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you'd like to hear King David sing a Psalm while holding, press 4. To find a loved one that's been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then- enter his or her SS #, followed by the "pound" sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up & try area code 666).
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the #'s 3-1-6
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the earth's age, life on other planets, & where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.Our computers show that you already prayed today.
Please hang up & try again tomorrow.The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am.
If you're calling after hours & need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.Thank you, & have a heavenly day.
Imagine praying & hearing the following: Thanks for calling Heaven.For English, press 1. For Spanish, press 2.For all other languages, press 0.
Please select one of the following options: Press 1 for Requests. Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.
I'm sorry; all of our angels & saints are busy helping other sinners. However, your prayer's important to us, & will be answer in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you'd like to speak to:God, press 1. Jesus, press 2. Holy Spirit, press 3.
If you'd like to hear King David sing a Psalm while holding, press 4. To find a loved one that's been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then- enter his or her SS #, followed by the "pound" sign.
(If you receive a negative response, please hang up & try area code 666).
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the #'s 3-1-6
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the earth's age, life on other planets, & where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.Our computers show that you already prayed today.
Please hang up & try again tomorrow.The office is now closed for the weekend to observe a religious holiday.
Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am.
If you're calling after hours & need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.Thank you, & have a heavenly day.
Women in religon
Roles Of Women In Religion
Roles for women have always been practiced in religions. All primitive & some modern ones still set rules on dress & behavior, but many vary among societies. Moslem women in Saudi Arabia can't drive or look men in the eye when talking to them, unlike neighboring Kuwait, they can. This paper will focus on roles & attitudes about women in Islam, Judaism & Christianity.
ISLAM
Islam sees women, whether single, or married, as individuals with the right to own & dispose of property & earnings (Islamic Affair Dept. 1989). Moslems often set rules for their women on how to dress, act, what to cook & how they should be educated.
Traditionial dressing of Moslem Women depends on the country's customs. Moslem law states that men & women are to dress modestly & dignified (Islamicc Affair Dept. 1989). Women must cover their heads (sometimes their face) & 3/4 of their body.
Traditionial Purdash customs allow women to live in zenanas (women secluded quarters), cover their whole body with cloth (no one is to see them, except their family), not to work & to be inconspicous. In many parts of the Moslem world men can beat & sell women. This happens in most parts of Africa & Asia. Although the Quran doesn't allow women to be mistreated it often happens in most Moslem Societies. The mistreatment of Moslem women is not a Moslem tradition it depends on the culture a person is born into
Marriages are allowed by Moslem law. A man may have more than one wife if he can support them financially, sexually & mentally. He must also treat all his wives equal. Women cannot have more than one husband at a time but Moslem law allows her to leave him if he miss treats her. But few do because of financial reasons.
Judaism
Judaism has always been a male dominated religion. Orthodox Jewish women are often viewed by Non-Jewish women as Jewish Princess. In fact most Orthodox Jewish women are not pampered & don't have a nanny & a maid to do their housework & take care of the children.
In Judaism women are taught Jewish laws by a Rabbinit Zohora (rabbi's wife). Although she's the highest level a Jewish woman can become, most common women don't feel that she's important.
Jewish women must take care of the children, provide emotional support for the family, prepare food & clean the house. Most Orthodox Jewish women describe their lives as fulfilling & happy.
Roles for women have always been practiced in religions. All primitive & some modern ones still set rules on dress & behavior, but many vary among societies. Moslem women in Saudi Arabia can't drive or look men in the eye when talking to them, unlike neighboring Kuwait, they can. This paper will focus on roles & attitudes about women in Islam, Judaism & Christianity.
ISLAM
Islam sees women, whether single, or married, as individuals with the right to own & dispose of property & earnings (Islamic Affair Dept. 1989). Moslems often set rules for their women on how to dress, act, what to cook & how they should be educated.
Traditionial dressing of Moslem Women depends on the country's customs. Moslem law states that men & women are to dress modestly & dignified (Islamicc Affair Dept. 1989). Women must cover their heads (sometimes their face) & 3/4 of their body.
Traditionial Purdash customs allow women to live in zenanas (women secluded quarters), cover their whole body with cloth (no one is to see them, except their family), not to work & to be inconspicous. In many parts of the Moslem world men can beat & sell women. This happens in most parts of Africa & Asia. Although the Quran doesn't allow women to be mistreated it often happens in most Moslem Societies. The mistreatment of Moslem women is not a Moslem tradition it depends on the culture a person is born into
Marriages are allowed by Moslem law. A man may have more than one wife if he can support them financially, sexually & mentally. He must also treat all his wives equal. Women cannot have more than one husband at a time but Moslem law allows her to leave him if he miss treats her. But few do because of financial reasons.
Judaism
Judaism has always been a male dominated religion. Orthodox Jewish women are often viewed by Non-Jewish women as Jewish Princess. In fact most Orthodox Jewish women are not pampered & don't have a nanny & a maid to do their housework & take care of the children.
In Judaism women are taught Jewish laws by a Rabbinit Zohora (rabbi's wife). Although she's the highest level a Jewish woman can become, most common women don't feel that she's important.
Jewish women must take care of the children, provide emotional support for the family, prepare food & clean the house. Most Orthodox Jewish women describe their lives as fulfilling & happy.
What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895
What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895 Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education?
Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895? This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal. 8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS -1895 - Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of "lie,""play," and "run."
5. Define case; Illustrate each case.
6. What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.
Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per meter?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt. US History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which US History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.
Orthography (Time, one hour) Do we even know what this is??
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.' (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8 . Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.
Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the US.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.
Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.
Gives the saying "he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?
Also shows you how poor our education system has become.
Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895? This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina, Kansas, USA. It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina, KS, and reprinted by the Salina Journal. 8th Grade Final Exam: Salina, KS -1895 - Grammar (Time, one hour)
1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of "lie,""play," and "run."
5. Define case; Illustrate each case.
6. What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.
Arithmetic (Time, 1.25 hours)
1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No. 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per meter?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt. US History (Time, 45 minutes)
1. Give the epochs into which US History is divided.
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus.
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States.
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas.
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton, Bell, Lincoln, Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.
Orthography (Time, one hour) Do we even know what this is??
1. What is meant by the following: Alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: Trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret 'u.' (HUH?)
5. Give two rules for spelling words with final 'e.' Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8 . Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, fare, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane, vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.
Geography (Time, one hour)
1. What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following: Monrovia, Odessa, Denver, Manitoba, Hecla, Yukon, St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco.
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the US.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.
10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.
Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.
Gives the saying "he only had an 8th grade education" a whole new meaning, doesn't it?
Also shows you how poor our education system has become.
Humor
I was driving with my 3 young kids one warm summer eve when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up & waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!
"My son Zach, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom & came out with my toothbrush. He held it up & said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mom. It read, "The opinions expressed by this child aren't necessarily those of his parents."
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels & running for cover.
He watched in amazement & asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a 6 year old girl. Looking up & down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered & continued writing the report. "My ma said if I ever need help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes." I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, & I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, he looked at me & the back of the van. Finally he asked, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable -barrage of questions, she merely turned & whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her folks dress for a party. When she saw dad donning his tux, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "Why -not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.
"DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son & playmates found a dead robin. Feeling a proper burial should be done, they got a small box & cotton, then dug a hole & prepared for disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers & with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his dad always said: "Glory be unto theFaaaather, & unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL: A little girl just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her ma. "I can't read or write & they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object & looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf pressed between the pages."Ma, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got?" With astonishment in his voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
"My son Zach, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. He stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom & came out with my toothbrush. He held it up & said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago.
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mom. It read, "The opinions expressed by this child aren't necessarily those of his parents."
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels & running for cover.
He watched in amazement & asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
POLICE # 1While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a 6 year old girl. Looking up & down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered & continued writing the report. "My ma said if I ever need help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes." I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
POLICE # 2: It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, & I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, he looked at me & the back of the van. Finally he asked, "What'd he do?"
ELDERLY: While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers & wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable -barrage of questions, she merely turned & whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"
DRESS-UP: A little girl was watching her folks dress for a party. When she saw dad donning his tux, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "Why -not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.
"DEATH: While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son & playmates found a dead robin. Feeling a proper burial should be done, they got a small box & cotton, then dug a hole & prepared for disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers & with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his dad always said: "Glory be unto theFaaaather, & unto the Sonnn ..... and into the hole he gooooes."
SCHOOL: A little girl just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her ma. "I can't read or write & they won't let me talk!"
BIBLE: A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object & looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf pressed between the pages."Ma, look what I found", the boy called out." What have you got?" With astonishment in his voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Wooden Bowl
I guarantee you'll recall the tale of the Wooden Bowl the rest of your life.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. 'We must do something about father,' said the son. 'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.
'So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl! When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?"
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, 'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that u shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn!
I've learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about. I just did. NOTICE AT THE END of this email, THE DATE THE CANDLE WAS STARTED. GONNA GIVE YOU GOOSE BUMPS. I am not going to be the one who lets it die. I found it believable -- angels have walked beside me all my life--and they still do.
Send this is to all of you who mean something to me, I pray for your happiness.
The Candle of Love, Hope & Friendship () --- --- ---This candle was lit on the 15th of September, 1998.
Someone who loves you has helped keep it alive by sending it to you. Don't let The Candle of Love, Hope and Friendship die! Pass It On To All Of Your Friends and Everyone You Love!
May God richly bless you! Please keep this candle alive.
Don't-walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together at the table.
But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.
The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. 'We must do something about father,' said the son. 'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.
'So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl! When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.
The four-year-old watched it all in silence. One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?"
Just as sweetly, the boy responded, 'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.
The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.
On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as making a 'life."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that u shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn!
I've learned that you should pass this on to everyone you care about. I just did. NOTICE AT THE END of this email, THE DATE THE CANDLE WAS STARTED. GONNA GIVE YOU GOOSE BUMPS. I am not going to be the one who lets it die. I found it believable -- angels have walked beside me all my life--and they still do.
Send this is to all of you who mean something to me, I pray for your happiness.
The Candle of Love, Hope & Friendship () --- --- ---This candle was lit on the 15th of September, 1998.
Someone who loves you has helped keep it alive by sending it to you. Don't let The Candle of Love, Hope and Friendship die! Pass It On To All Of Your Friends and Everyone You Love!
May God richly bless you! Please keep this candle alive.
Don't-walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend.
Work Rules
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: MANAGEMENT
Dear Staff, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee receives 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS: Skinny size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill
SICK DAYS: If you are sick and go to the doctor and the doctor gives you a note for the excused day for sickness, you will not be excused. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY: As long as you are employee here, you need all your organs.You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Lida A. KroonCorporate Banking SectorBN-OWS-8Ph. (212) 635-1302Fax (212) 635-1481 Lkroon@bankofny.com
FROM: MANAGEMENT
Dear Staff, It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci Bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
PERSONAL DAYS: Each employee receives 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAKS: Skinny size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get to eat more so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill
SICK DAYS: If you are sick and go to the doctor and the doctor gives you a note for the excused day for sickness, you will not be excused. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken.
After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.
SURGERY: As long as you are employee here, you need all your organs.You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Have a nice week.
Lida A. KroonCorporate Banking SectorBN-OWS-8Ph. (212) 635-1302Fax (212) 635-1481 Lkroon@bankofny.com
WORRY
WORRY
"It's the absence of faith in God." (Pastor Dave Watson, 8/02)
"If you worry and nothing happens you worried for nothing.
If it does you worried twice." (Unknown)
What's the use of worrying? You're either going to live or die, if you live there is no use in worrying.
If you die, you'll either go to Heaven or Hell.
If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about.
If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends and relatives you won't have time to worry!!!
"It's the absence of faith in God." (Pastor Dave Watson, 8/02)
"If you worry and nothing happens you worried for nothing.
If it does you worried twice." (Unknown)
What's the use of worrying? You're either going to live or die, if you live there is no use in worrying.
If you die, you'll either go to Heaven or Hell.
If you go to Heaven, there's nothing to worry about.
If you go to Hell, you'll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends and relatives you won't have time to worry!!!
GREETINGS:
GREETINGS:
Someone sent me an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've started.
It is definitely working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what I start and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace.
Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you. Here are the things that I have finished today:
Two bags of potato chips, a strawberry cheesecake, a package of Oreo's, a bottle of wine, and a small box of chocolates.
I think this really works because I feel better already!!
Someone sent me an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things you've started.
It is definitely working for me. I am now making a point of always finishing what I start and I think I am well on my way toward finding inner peace.
Because I care for you, I am passing this wisdom on to you. Here are the things that I have finished today:
Two bags of potato chips, a strawberry cheesecake, a package of Oreo's, a bottle of wine, and a small box of chocolates.
I think this really works because I feel better already!!
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up, who- they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) 23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure).
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies & that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, u should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do -Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. - Theodore, age 8
(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-Anita, age 9 (bless u child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10
(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
(2) No person really decides before they grow up, who- they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. - Kristen, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
(1) 23 is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. - Camille, age 10
(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married. Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
(1) You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.- Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
(1) Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure).
(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies & that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
(1) When they're rich.- Pam, age 7
(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7
(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, u should marry them & have kids with them. It's the right thing to do -Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
(1) I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. - Theodore, age 8
(2) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.-Anita, age 9 (bless u child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. - Ricky, age 10
How to Give a Cat a Pill
How to Give a Cat a Pill
1. Pick up cat & cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger & thumb on either side of cat's mouth & gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in allow cat to close mouth & swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor & cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm & repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, & throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open & push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl & cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front & rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler & rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler & repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines & vases from hearth & set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil & blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm & remove blood from carpet with cold water & soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, & close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage & put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek & check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away & fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine & bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be firm about it. Hold head vertically & pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to e.r., sit quietly while dr. stitches fingers & forearm & removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell & call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
1. Pick up cat & cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger & thumb on either side of cat's mouth & gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill in allow cat to close mouth & swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor & cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm & repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, & throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open & push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl & cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front & rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler & rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler & repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines & vases from hearth & set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil & blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm & remove blood from carpet with cold water & soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, & close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage & put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek & check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away & fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine & bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be firm about it. Hold head vertically & pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to e.r., sit quietly while dr. stitches fingers & forearm & removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell & call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
How To Give A Dog A Pill
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
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