5 Tricks to Manage Your Manager
Managing upward is especially important when jobs are scarce or on the block.
by Jenna Goudreau, Forbes.com
When the job market falters, many employees try to stay below the boss's radar for fear they might be next on the chopping block. However, it's far wiser to take the opposite approach. Now more than ever, it's important to be noticed (though for the right reasons, of course), explains Tina Chen, a director of permanent and temporary staffing firm Carlisle Staffing in Illinois.
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"When companies trim staff, they will save the people who stand out because they manage their managers well," says Chen. "There are also more temporary workers now who could manage upward to get hired."
So instead of being the good-enough team member the boss has trouble remembering, use these tricks to become noticed and indispensable.
1. Understand your boss
"Managing upward requires empathy," says Aaron Nurick, professor of management and psychology at Bentley University in Waltham, Mass. Nurick believes that the key to success is being able to see the world from your manager's perspective.
Instead of becoming frustrated by the boss, observe her work style and communication preferences, and then adapt. You may be flooding the boss with emails while she finds it easier to speak via phone. Subtle adjustments on your part will make her job easier--which makes you look better.
You should also read your manager's reactions to the way you present information, says Nurick. For example, you may work for someone who loves numbers and has little patience for more abstract thinking. In that case, try presenting your boss with a quantitative analysis first, and then succinctly explain its impact. Notice, too, if your boss prefers being asked questions or given answers. Decide if you should cut to the chase or soften your opinion by adding, "Would you agree?"
2. Stay three steps ahead
Staffing expert Chen says that dealing with a boss can be like a game of chess. "Always stay three steps ahead of your opponent, and take the lead," she advises. Employees who anticipate their boss's needs before they arise will be seen as leaders and problem solvers.
Once you understand and start to think like your boss, you'll be in a better position to take initiative. Let's say, says Chen, you're asked to find a person's contact information because your boss is working on an insurance policy renewal. Respond by saying, "Yes I have his information, and would you like me to follow up with him regarding the renewal?"
"For every action there's a reaction and then another action to follow," Chen explains. In other words, anticipate additional questions or requests and handle them before you're asked.
3. Be the better half
Become indispensable by learning your manager's weaknesses and complimenting them with your strengths. Perhaps your boss is a brilliant visionary but impossibly disorganized. Rather than griping about how difficult she is to work with, make up for what she lacks by taking on the role of organizer. Suggest deadlines, remind her of appointments, and follow up on items she's forgotten. Not only will you have gained your boss's trust, you'll become the most valued member of her team.
4. Don't be afraid to speak up
Career expert and coauthor of Crucial Conversations Kerry Patterson says most employees are afraid to approach their managers about issues with their work style. In a survey he conducted, 50 percent of employees said they'd left a company because of a disagreeable boss, but only one in five had spoken with the boss about their concerns.
Patterson says the most common frustrations that employees face are micromanaging bosses and absentee bosses. Yet they rarely speak up. "People think it's risky to address these problems, but if it's handled professionally, it increases your boss's opinion of you," he says.
When initiating a tough conversation, Patterson suggests that you offer an example of a specific behavior, explain how it made you feel, and then ask for the manager's perspective.
Here's an example of what you might say: "Last week you checked in three times on a routine project. It made me feel as if you didn't trust my ability to handle it. Is that the case?" This formula opens the door to an honest conversation without the manager feeling attacked. Patterson emphasizes that it's important to point out specific behaviors and not characteristics of your manager, so that he doesn't take offense.
5. Ask for more responsibility
If you want to ensure a path to the top, Chen says you should make an impression with the even higher-ups--your manager's managers. Allow yourself to shine but don't overstep your boundaries, she warns. Your immediate boss controls your projects and promotions, so you need to maintain his trust.
A great way to gain an audience with company leaders is to ask for more responsibility. Identify a big project that you're confident you can handle, and then pour yourself into it to show what you can do. Another handy trick: Offer to head up an initiative. Maybe you become the resident expert on new software or organize a company event. Suddenly, people come to you with questions and view you as a leader.
Ultimately, make yourself valuable. Not only will you receive respect, but you may be in line for a raise.
(Read "Bad Boss Stories" on Forbes.com.)
Friday, July 30, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
9 "Harmless" Habits That Age You
9 "Harmless" Habits That Age You
By the Editors of Prevention
Send Share Print Buzz up!vote nowRelated Articles6 Sleep Myths Busted
Men's Health
10 Sleep Myths Busted
Women's Health
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Prevention
More Articles »Health SearchDrug Search
Explore and compare medications Look Your Age—Or Younger!
It pretty much goes without saying that smoking cigarettes and frying your skin in the sun make you older, so kudos for quitting and slathering on the sunscreen religiously. But if you're trying to turn back the clock—or at least slow it down a little—don't overlook these other habits that may be sabotaging your efforts.
1. You keep your college bedtime
It's not uncommon for superbusy women to cram a day's worth of around-the-house to-dos into the late evening hours, a practice that pushes back bedtime into—eep!—Late Night with Jimmy Fallon territory. The problem with this is that too-little sleep is proving to be really, really bad for your health: Research links it to high blood pressure, diabetes, weight gain, and even just looking tired and older.
Act your age: We're not saying you need a perfect 8 hours every single night, but make sleep a priority more often and your body will thank you. Everyone's sleep needs are different; to find out what yours are, sleep experts recommend you turn off the alarm clock when you're well rested, and see how long you naturally sleep. (Most people need 7 to 8 hours.)
Instant Health Boost: 12 Quick ways to better your mind and body today!
2. You have a soft spot for sweets
A sugar-packed diet can take its toll on your waistline, but now experts also believe it can make your skin dull and wrinkled too. To blame is a natural process known as glycation, in which the sugar in your bloodstream attaches to proteins to form harmful new molecules called advanced glycation end products (AGEs, for short). The more sugar you eat, the more AGEs you develop; these damage surrounding proteins like collagen and elastin, which keep skin firm and elastic. Once damaged, springy and resilient collagen and elastin become dry and brittle, leading to wrinkles and sagging. These aging effects start at about age 35 and increase rapidly after that, according to a study published in the British Journal of Dermatology.
Act your age: It's not easy to eliminate sugar completely, but limiting added sugar to no more than 10% of total calories can help. If you're a 45-year-old woman of average height (5-foot-4), that's 160 calories (or 10 teaspoons) from added sugar—about the number in one 12-ounce can of Coca-Cola or six Hershey's Kisses. By comparison, the average American consumes 31 teaspoons per day of added sugar, or the equivalent of 465 calories. Watch for stealthy sugar in unexpected foods, like salad dressing. Many prepared foods contain hefty amounts of sugar, but it's hidden under aliases—including barley malt, corn syrup, dextrose, fruit juice concentrate, maltose, maple syrup, molasses, and turbinado—on ingredient panels.
3. You're stressed more often than not
You don't feel good when you're stressed-out—be it from work projects piling up, a miserable commute, issues with the kids, etc.—and there's good biological proof why you shouldn't. Stress increases the concentration of the hormones cortisol and norepinephrine in the bloodstream, kicking up blood pressure and suppressing immunity. Over time, stress that doesn't go away can delay healing, harden your arteries, and possibly shrink areas of your brain involved in learning, memory, and mood—talk about feeling older!
Act your age: Stress will never go away completely, but how you manage everyday blips can keep hormones on a more even—and healthy—keel. Deep breathing is the top antistress pick of Prevention advisor Andrew Weil, MD: He makes time for it at least twice a day. "It only takes 2 minutes," he says. "I do it in the morning, when I'm falling asleep in the evening, and anytime I feel upset." Try it: Exhale strongly through the mouth, making a whoosh sound. Breathe in quietly through the nose for a count of 4. Hold your breath for a count of 7, then exhale with the whoosh for a count of 8. Repeat the cycle 3 more times.
10 silent signs you're more stressed than you think.
4. You only exercise to lose weight
Exercise is one of the best turn-back-the-clock agents around, but too many of us don't reap its full benefits because we only associate physical activity with weight loss. If you tend to hit the gym in 2-week stints to shed a few pounds, but then take a few months off from physical activity, you're missing out on some major health perks. Research shows that vigorous exercisers have longer telomeres—cellular biomarkers that shorten as we age—compared with healthy adults who rarely work out. Being active consistently can help fight brain fog, reduce inflammation, and prevent type 2 diabetes and other chronic conditions that crop up over time.
Act your age: Don't let your sneakers get dusty. Choose any activity you enjoy—be it walking, cycling, or dancing—and aim for a minimum of 20 to 25 minutes a day. Break it down, if you have to, into two 10-minute sessions. Slowly increase the frequency, duration, and intensity in small increments. If you miss a day, don't let it become a habit; just pick up again the next day.
5. You blast your iPod
Nothing makes you feel 80 years old like having to cup your ear and say "Excuse me?" to get your friend to repeat herself... again. Hearing loss typically develops slowly, the result of prolonged exposure to thousands of high-decibel insults to the ear, many of which come from exposure to everyday gadgets, like iPods or hair dryers. MP3 players set at 50% volume can pump out sounds up to 101 decibels, well over the recommended safety threshold.
Act your age: To ageproof your iPod, keep the volume as low as possible. Use noise-canceling earbuds to block out ambient sounds, reducing your need to jack up the volume. Wear earplugs when you're around other loud noises too, like the garbage disposal, coffee grinder, lawn mower, etc.
14 Everyday ways you damage your health.
6. You never see your girlfriends
Your friends were probably the meat and potatoes of your social calendar back in your 20s; now you spend most of your spare time shuttling your tweens around to their various get-togethers. But here's why making time to cultivate your friendships is so key: One study found that satisfying friendships predict longevity better than even close family ties, and they can protect against obesity, depression, and heart disease, among other health problems. No wonder you always feel reenergized after a marathon catch-up call with your best college friend or a girls' night out with your high school crew.
Act your age: Your friends keep you young—simple as that. So if hectic schedules keep you apart, consider carving a more permanent place in your schedule for friend time. Take advantage of Facebook or e-mail groups to stay in touch on a more frequent basis—even clicking through and commenting on a pal's recently uploaded vacation photos can help you feel closer.
7. You eat veggies—but not daily
You've likely heard that antioxidant-packed fruits and veggies can help you stay young. These powerful compounds fight free radicals that would otherwise wreak havoc on your body and skin, damaging cells that can lead to cancer and make you look older. But here's the rub: Antioxidants remain active for only a few hours and need to be continually replenished, so don't think you're set for the week after eating a big salad for lunch on Monday.
Act your age: ODing on veggies a couple of days a week or month—and skipping them the rest of the time—doesn't do your body any favors. To truly maximize their age-defying benefits, aim to eat antioxidants every 4 hours or so or with every meal.
8. You've shunned all fat from your diet
Cutting out artery-clogging saturated and trans fats is a heart-healthy move, but when it comes to your health and vitality, equally slashing unsaturated fats, like those found in fish, nuts, and olive oil, is like throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. One kind, omega-3 fatty acids, is the ultimate anti-aging fat, essential for protecting your brain, heart, bones, joints, skin, and more. Another kind, monounsaturated, can lower bad LDL cholesterol, raise cardio-protective HDL cholesterol, and decrease your risk of atherosclerosis. Plus, studies suggest that a higher intake of these fats may contribute to longer life expectancy.
Act your age: Remember that fat isn't inherently evil, and it won't make you fat per se. About 20 to 35% of your daily calories should come from fat (mainly healthy, unsaturated fat) like those from the above sources.
9. You can't recall when you last had sex
Yep, sex feels good and does wonders for your mood, but it's also fantastically great for your health. Research shows that people with active sex lives have stronger immune systems, less pain, a lower cancer risk, healthier hearts, and less stress. The best news: It can even make you look younger—up to 12 years, a study shows.
Act your age: Rekindle the romance between you and your partner. To shake things up, try making the first move next time. "Some women are not active participants in their sex lives," says Pat Covalt, PhD, author of What Smart Couples Know. "A lot of men would like to be touched more, seduced more. Everyone wants to feel wanted."
By the Editors of Prevention
Send Share Print Buzz up!vote nowRelated Articles6 Sleep Myths Busted
Men's Health
10 Sleep Myths Busted
Women's Health
Sleep Like A Baby! (And Wake Up Feeling Younger)
Prevention
More Articles »Health SearchDrug Search
Explore and compare medications Look Your Age—Or Younger!
It pretty much goes without saying that smoking cigarettes and frying your skin in the sun make you older, so kudos for quitting and slathering on the sunscreen religiously. But if you're trying to turn back the clock—or at least slow it down a little—don't overlook these other habits that may be sabotaging your efforts.
1. You keep your college bedtime
It's not uncommon for superbusy women to cram a day's worth of around-the-house to-dos into the late evening hours, a practice that pushes back bedtime into—eep!—Late Night with Jimmy Fallon territory. The problem with this is that too-little sleep is proving to be really, really bad for your health: Research links it to high blood pressure, diabetes, weight gain, and even just looking tired and older.
Act your age: We're not saying you need a perfect 8 hours every single night, but make sleep a priority more often and your body will thank you. Everyone's sleep needs are different; to find out what yours are, sleep experts recommend you turn off the alarm clock when you're well rested, and see how long you naturally sleep. (Most people need 7 to 8 hours.)
Instant Health Boost: 12 Quick ways to better your mind and body today!
2. You have a soft spot for sweets
A sugar-packed diet can take its toll on your waistline, but now experts also believe it can make your skin dull and wrinkled too. To blame is a natural process known as glycation, in which the sugar in your bloodstream attaches to proteins to form harmful new molecules called advanced glycation end products (AGEs, for short). The more sugar you eat, the more AGEs you develop; these damage surrounding proteins like collagen and elastin, which keep skin firm and elastic. Once damaged, springy and resilient collagen and elastin become dry and brittle, leading to wrinkles and sagging. These aging effects start at about age 35 and increase rapidly after that, according to a study published in the British Journal of Dermatology.
Act your age: It's not easy to eliminate sugar completely, but limiting added sugar to no more than 10% of total calories can help. If you're a 45-year-old woman of average height (5-foot-4), that's 160 calories (or 10 teaspoons) from added sugar—about the number in one 12-ounce can of Coca-Cola or six Hershey's Kisses. By comparison, the average American consumes 31 teaspoons per day of added sugar, or the equivalent of 465 calories. Watch for stealthy sugar in unexpected foods, like salad dressing. Many prepared foods contain hefty amounts of sugar, but it's hidden under aliases—including barley malt, corn syrup, dextrose, fruit juice concentrate, maltose, maple syrup, molasses, and turbinado—on ingredient panels.
3. You're stressed more often than not
You don't feel good when you're stressed-out—be it from work projects piling up, a miserable commute, issues with the kids, etc.—and there's good biological proof why you shouldn't. Stress increases the concentration of the hormones cortisol and norepinephrine in the bloodstream, kicking up blood pressure and suppressing immunity. Over time, stress that doesn't go away can delay healing, harden your arteries, and possibly shrink areas of your brain involved in learning, memory, and mood—talk about feeling older!
Act your age: Stress will never go away completely, but how you manage everyday blips can keep hormones on a more even—and healthy—keel. Deep breathing is the top antistress pick of Prevention advisor Andrew Weil, MD: He makes time for it at least twice a day. "It only takes 2 minutes," he says. "I do it in the morning, when I'm falling asleep in the evening, and anytime I feel upset." Try it: Exhale strongly through the mouth, making a whoosh sound. Breathe in quietly through the nose for a count of 4. Hold your breath for a count of 7, then exhale with the whoosh for a count of 8. Repeat the cycle 3 more times.
10 silent signs you're more stressed than you think.
4. You only exercise to lose weight
Exercise is one of the best turn-back-the-clock agents around, but too many of us don't reap its full benefits because we only associate physical activity with weight loss. If you tend to hit the gym in 2-week stints to shed a few pounds, but then take a few months off from physical activity, you're missing out on some major health perks. Research shows that vigorous exercisers have longer telomeres—cellular biomarkers that shorten as we age—compared with healthy adults who rarely work out. Being active consistently can help fight brain fog, reduce inflammation, and prevent type 2 diabetes and other chronic conditions that crop up over time.
Act your age: Don't let your sneakers get dusty. Choose any activity you enjoy—be it walking, cycling, or dancing—and aim for a minimum of 20 to 25 minutes a day. Break it down, if you have to, into two 10-minute sessions. Slowly increase the frequency, duration, and intensity in small increments. If you miss a day, don't let it become a habit; just pick up again the next day.
5. You blast your iPod
Nothing makes you feel 80 years old like having to cup your ear and say "Excuse me?" to get your friend to repeat herself... again. Hearing loss typically develops slowly, the result of prolonged exposure to thousands of high-decibel insults to the ear, many of which come from exposure to everyday gadgets, like iPods or hair dryers. MP3 players set at 50% volume can pump out sounds up to 101 decibels, well over the recommended safety threshold.
Act your age: To ageproof your iPod, keep the volume as low as possible. Use noise-canceling earbuds to block out ambient sounds, reducing your need to jack up the volume. Wear earplugs when you're around other loud noises too, like the garbage disposal, coffee grinder, lawn mower, etc.
14 Everyday ways you damage your health.
6. You never see your girlfriends
Your friends were probably the meat and potatoes of your social calendar back in your 20s; now you spend most of your spare time shuttling your tweens around to their various get-togethers. But here's why making time to cultivate your friendships is so key: One study found that satisfying friendships predict longevity better than even close family ties, and they can protect against obesity, depression, and heart disease, among other health problems. No wonder you always feel reenergized after a marathon catch-up call with your best college friend or a girls' night out with your high school crew.
Act your age: Your friends keep you young—simple as that. So if hectic schedules keep you apart, consider carving a more permanent place in your schedule for friend time. Take advantage of Facebook or e-mail groups to stay in touch on a more frequent basis—even clicking through and commenting on a pal's recently uploaded vacation photos can help you feel closer.
7. You eat veggies—but not daily
You've likely heard that antioxidant-packed fruits and veggies can help you stay young. These powerful compounds fight free radicals that would otherwise wreak havoc on your body and skin, damaging cells that can lead to cancer and make you look older. But here's the rub: Antioxidants remain active for only a few hours and need to be continually replenished, so don't think you're set for the week after eating a big salad for lunch on Monday.
Act your age: ODing on veggies a couple of days a week or month—and skipping them the rest of the time—doesn't do your body any favors. To truly maximize their age-defying benefits, aim to eat antioxidants every 4 hours or so or with every meal.
8. You've shunned all fat from your diet
Cutting out artery-clogging saturated and trans fats is a heart-healthy move, but when it comes to your health and vitality, equally slashing unsaturated fats, like those found in fish, nuts, and olive oil, is like throwing the proverbial baby out with the bathwater. One kind, omega-3 fatty acids, is the ultimate anti-aging fat, essential for protecting your brain, heart, bones, joints, skin, and more. Another kind, monounsaturated, can lower bad LDL cholesterol, raise cardio-protective HDL cholesterol, and decrease your risk of atherosclerosis. Plus, studies suggest that a higher intake of these fats may contribute to longer life expectancy.
Act your age: Remember that fat isn't inherently evil, and it won't make you fat per se. About 20 to 35% of your daily calories should come from fat (mainly healthy, unsaturated fat) like those from the above sources.
9. You can't recall when you last had sex
Yep, sex feels good and does wonders for your mood, but it's also fantastically great for your health. Research shows that people with active sex lives have stronger immune systems, less pain, a lower cancer risk, healthier hearts, and less stress. The best news: It can even make you look younger—up to 12 years, a study shows.
Act your age: Rekindle the romance between you and your partner. To shake things up, try making the first move next time. "Some women are not active participants in their sex lives," says Pat Covalt, PhD, author of What Smart Couples Know. "A lot of men would like to be touched more, seduced more. Everyone wants to feel wanted."
Five Mistakes Online Job Hunters Make
Five Mistakes Online Job Hunters Make
Elizabeth Garone
Resume Overload? A Shortcut to Spot Best Hires at WSJ.com
Improving the Odds for Changing Jobs at WSJ.com
In a tight job market, building and maintaining an online presence is critical to networking and job hunting. Done right, it can be an important tool for present and future networking and useful for potential employers trying to get a sense of who you are, your talents and your experience. Done wrong, it can easily take you out of the running for most positions.
Here are five mistakes online job hunters make:
1. Forgetting Manners
If you use Twitter or you write a blog, you should assume that hiring managers and recruiters will read your updates and your posts. A December 2009 study by Microsoft Corp. found that 79% of hiring managers and job recruiters review online information about job applicants before making a hiring decision. Of those, 70% said that they have rejected candidates based on information that they found online. Top reasons listed? Concerns about lifestyle, inappropriate comments, and unsuitable photos and videos.
"Everything is indexed and able to be searched," says Miriam Salpeter, an Atlanta-based job search and social media coach. "Even Facebook, which many people consider a more private network, can easily become a trap for job seekers who post things they would not want a prospective boss to see."
Don't be lulled into thinking your privacy settings are foolproof. "All it takes is one person sharing information you might not want shared, forwarding a post, or otherwise breaching a trust for the illusion of privacy in a closed network to be eliminated," says Ms. Salpeter, who recommends not posting anything illegal (even if it's a joke), criticism of a boss, coworker or client, information about an interviewer, or anything sexual or discriminatory. "Assume your future boss is reading everything you share online," she says.
2. Overkill
Blanketing social media networks with half-done profiles accomplishes nothing except to annoy the exact people you want to impress: prospective employees trying to find out more about on you.
One online profile done well is far more effective than several unpolished and incomplete ones, says Sree Sreenivasan, dean of students at Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism. He made the decision early on to limit himself to three social-networking sites: Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter. "There is just not enough time," he says. "Pick two or three, then cultivate a presence there."
Many people make the mistake of joining LinkedIn and other social media sites and then just letting their profiles sit publicly unfinished, says Krista Canfield, a LinkedIn spokesperson. "Just signing up for an account simply isn't enough," she says. "At a bare minimum, make sure you're connected to at least 35 people and make sure your profile is 100 percent complete. Members with complete profiles are 40 times more likely to receive opportunities through LinkedIn."
LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter are the three most popular social networking sites for human resources managers to use for recruiting, according to a survey released last month by JobVite, a maker of recruiting software.
3. Not Getting the Word Out
When accounting firm Dixon Hughes recently had an opening for a business development executive, Emily Bennington, the company's director of marketing and development, posted a link to the opportunity on her Facebook page. "I immediately got private emails from a host of people in my network, none of whom I knew were in the market for a new job," she says. " I understand that there are privacy concerns when it comes to job hunting, but if no one knows you're looking, that's a problem, too."
Changing this can be as simple as updating your status on LinkedIn and other social networking sites to let people know that you are open to new positions. If you're currently employed and don't want your boss to find out that you're looking, you'll need to be more subtle. One way to do this is to give prospective employers a sense of how you might fit in, says Dan Schawbel, author of "Me 2.0" and founder of Millennial Branding. "I recommend a positioning, or personal brand statement, that depicts who you are, what you do, and what audience you serve, so that people get a feeling for how you can benefit their company."
4. Quantity Over Quality
Choose connections wisely; only add people you actually know or with whom you've done business. Whether it's on LinkedIn, Facebook or any other networking site, "it's much more of a quality game than a quantity game," says Ms. Canfield. A recruiter may choose to contact one of your connections to ask about you; make sure that person is someone you know and trust.
And there's really no excuse for sending an automated, generic introduction, says Ms. Canfield. "Taking the extra five to 10 seconds to write a line or two about how you know the other person and why'd you'd like to connect to them can make the difference between them accepting or declining your connection request," she says. "It also doesn't hurt to mention that you're more than willing to help them or introduce them to other people in your network."
5. Online Exclusivity
Early last year, Washington's Tacoma Public Utilities posted a water meter reader position on its website. The response? More than 1,600 people applied for the $17.76 an hour position.
With the larger number of people currently unemployed (and under-employed), many employers are being inundated with huge numbers of applications for any positions they post. In order to limit the applicant pool, some have stopped posting positions on their websites and job boards, says Tim Schoonover, chairman of career consulting firm OI Partners.
Scouring the Web for a position and doing nothing else is rarely the best way to go. "When job-seekers choose to search for jobs exclusively online -- rather than also include in-person networking -- they may be missing out on 'hidden' opportunities," says Mr. Schoonover. "Higher-level jobs are not posted as often as lower-level jobs online. In-person networking may be needed to uncover these higher-level positions, which may be filled by executive recruiters."
Write to Elizabeth Garone at cjeditor@dowjones.com
Elizabeth Garone
Resume Overload? A Shortcut to Spot Best Hires at WSJ.com
Improving the Odds for Changing Jobs at WSJ.com
In a tight job market, building and maintaining an online presence is critical to networking and job hunting. Done right, it can be an important tool for present and future networking and useful for potential employers trying to get a sense of who you are, your talents and your experience. Done wrong, it can easily take you out of the running for most positions.
Here are five mistakes online job hunters make:
1. Forgetting Manners
If you use Twitter or you write a blog, you should assume that hiring managers and recruiters will read your updates and your posts. A December 2009 study by Microsoft Corp. found that 79% of hiring managers and job recruiters review online information about job applicants before making a hiring decision. Of those, 70% said that they have rejected candidates based on information that they found online. Top reasons listed? Concerns about lifestyle, inappropriate comments, and unsuitable photos and videos.
"Everything is indexed and able to be searched," says Miriam Salpeter, an Atlanta-based job search and social media coach. "Even Facebook, which many people consider a more private network, can easily become a trap for job seekers who post things they would not want a prospective boss to see."
Don't be lulled into thinking your privacy settings are foolproof. "All it takes is one person sharing information you might not want shared, forwarding a post, or otherwise breaching a trust for the illusion of privacy in a closed network to be eliminated," says Ms. Salpeter, who recommends not posting anything illegal (even if it's a joke), criticism of a boss, coworker or client, information about an interviewer, or anything sexual or discriminatory. "Assume your future boss is reading everything you share online," she says.
2. Overkill
Blanketing social media networks with half-done profiles accomplishes nothing except to annoy the exact people you want to impress: prospective employees trying to find out more about on you.
One online profile done well is far more effective than several unpolished and incomplete ones, says Sree Sreenivasan, dean of students at Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism. He made the decision early on to limit himself to three social-networking sites: Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter. "There is just not enough time," he says. "Pick two or three, then cultivate a presence there."
Many people make the mistake of joining LinkedIn and other social media sites and then just letting their profiles sit publicly unfinished, says Krista Canfield, a LinkedIn spokesperson. "Just signing up for an account simply isn't enough," she says. "At a bare minimum, make sure you're connected to at least 35 people and make sure your profile is 100 percent complete. Members with complete profiles are 40 times more likely to receive opportunities through LinkedIn."
LinkedIn, Facebook, and Twitter are the three most popular social networking sites for human resources managers to use for recruiting, according to a survey released last month by JobVite, a maker of recruiting software.
3. Not Getting the Word Out
When accounting firm Dixon Hughes recently had an opening for a business development executive, Emily Bennington, the company's director of marketing and development, posted a link to the opportunity on her Facebook page. "I immediately got private emails from a host of people in my network, none of whom I knew were in the market for a new job," she says. " I understand that there are privacy concerns when it comes to job hunting, but if no one knows you're looking, that's a problem, too."
Changing this can be as simple as updating your status on LinkedIn and other social networking sites to let people know that you are open to new positions. If you're currently employed and don't want your boss to find out that you're looking, you'll need to be more subtle. One way to do this is to give prospective employers a sense of how you might fit in, says Dan Schawbel, author of "Me 2.0" and founder of Millennial Branding. "I recommend a positioning, or personal brand statement, that depicts who you are, what you do, and what audience you serve, so that people get a feeling for how you can benefit their company."
4. Quantity Over Quality
Choose connections wisely; only add people you actually know or with whom you've done business. Whether it's on LinkedIn, Facebook or any other networking site, "it's much more of a quality game than a quantity game," says Ms. Canfield. A recruiter may choose to contact one of your connections to ask about you; make sure that person is someone you know and trust.
And there's really no excuse for sending an automated, generic introduction, says Ms. Canfield. "Taking the extra five to 10 seconds to write a line or two about how you know the other person and why'd you'd like to connect to them can make the difference between them accepting or declining your connection request," she says. "It also doesn't hurt to mention that you're more than willing to help them or introduce them to other people in your network."
5. Online Exclusivity
Early last year, Washington's Tacoma Public Utilities posted a water meter reader position on its website. The response? More than 1,600 people applied for the $17.76 an hour position.
With the larger number of people currently unemployed (and under-employed), many employers are being inundated with huge numbers of applications for any positions they post. In order to limit the applicant pool, some have stopped posting positions on their websites and job boards, says Tim Schoonover, chairman of career consulting firm OI Partners.
Scouring the Web for a position and doing nothing else is rarely the best way to go. "When job-seekers choose to search for jobs exclusively online -- rather than also include in-person networking -- they may be missing out on 'hidden' opportunities," says Mr. Schoonover. "Higher-level jobs are not posted as often as lower-level jobs online. In-person networking may be needed to uncover these higher-level positions, which may be filled by executive recruiters."
Write to Elizabeth Garone at cjeditor@dowjones.com
Saturday, July 17, 2010
What NOT to do: 7 ways to ruin your resume.
What NOT to do: 7 ways to ruin your resume.
by CBS MoneyWatch.com, on Mon Jul 12, 2010
Thinkstock: What not to do with your resume
By Hillary Chura
In the time it takes you to read this paragraph, the average recruiter will have plowed through six resumes. (We know; we timed one.) Want to increase the chances of your resume making it to the next round? Then don’t do any of these seven things, which recruiters say — more than anything — make them want to push the “shred” button.
(For more resume tips, check out our interactive critique of an actual resume.)
1. Apply for a job for which you are not remotely qualified
Many candidates believe the job hunt is a numbers game — drop enough resumes, and you’re bound to land something. But shotguns are for hunting pheasant, not finding jobs. The reality is that recruiters hate wasting time on resumes from unqualified candidates. Morgan Miller, an executive recruiter at StaffMark, recalls the security guard who applied to be a financial risk manager (maybe Lehman should have hired him), while Scott Ragusa at Winter, Wyman talks of the aerial photographer who sought out a position as a tax specialist.
“Sorting through unqualified resumes is frustrating, unproductive and puts an extra burden on staff,” says Katherine Swift, Senior Account Director at KCSA Strategic Communications in Natick, Mass. “It also makes it much more challenging to find the right candidate.” So the next time you’re thinking of blasting out resumes to all 60 of the job listings on Monster.com that have the word “finance” in them , save your time (and that of the recruiters) and only apply for ones for which you’re qualified.
-- Top 10 Job Interview Mistakes
-- 10 Hottest Careers in America
-- What's the Best Way to Lose 20 Pounds?
-- 6 Things Never to Post on Facebook
-- Cut Your Job Search Time in Half
2. Include a lofty mission statement
More than ever, today’s savage job market is about the company, not the candidate. As such, mission or objective statements — particularly ones with an applicant’s hopes, dreams, and health insurance aspirations — will dispatch otherwise fine resumes to the circular file. Employers don’t care about how they can solve your problems — certainly not before they’ve met you and possibly not even after they’ve hired you. Instead, write an “objectives” statement that explains specifically how your skills and experience will help the company you’re applying to, not the other way around. And be very clear about what kind of job you’re seeking.
3. Use one generic resume for every job listing
To stand out amongst the sea of resumes that recruiters receive, yours must speak to each and every specific position, even recycling some of the language from the job description itself. Make it obvious that you will start solving problems even before you’ve recorded your outgoing voicemail message. Your CV or query letter should include a just touch of industry lingo — sufficient to prove you know your stuff but not so much that you sound like a robot. And it should speak to individual company issues and industry challenges, with specifics on how you have personally improved customer loyalty, efficiency, and profitability at past jobs, says workplace and performance consultant Jay Forte. Plus, each morsel should be on point.
“Think hard about how to best leverage each piece of information to your job search advantage,” says Wendy Enelow, a career consultant and trainer in Virginia. “Nothing in your resume should be arbitrary, from what you include in your job descriptions and achievement statements, to whether your education or experience comes first [recent grads may want to put education first] to how you format your contact information.”
4. Make recruiters or hiring managers guess how exactly you can help their client
Sourcing experts want to know — immediately — what someone can offer, and they won’t spend time noodling someone’s credentials. “Animal, vegetable or mineral? Doctor, lawyer or Indian chief?That’s what I’m wondering every time I open a resume. If it takes me more than a split second to figure this out, I feel frustrated,” says Mary O’Gorman, a veteran recruiter based in Brooklyn.
5. Don’t explain how past experience translates to a new position
Though candidates should avoid jobs where they have no experience, they absolutely should pursue new areas and positions if they can position their experience effectively. A high school English teacher applying for new jobs, for example, can cite expertise in human resource management, people skills, record keeping, writing, and training, says Anthony Pensabene, a professional writer who works with executives.
“Titles are just semantics; candidates need to relate their ‘actual’ skills and experiences to the job they’re applying for in their resume,” Pensabene says. An applicant who cannot be bothered to identify the parallels between the two likely won’t be bothered with interviews, either.
6. Don’t include a cover letter with your resume
A cover letter should always accompany a resume — even if it’s going to your best friend. And that doesn’t mean a lazy “I’m _____ and I’m looking for a job in New York; please see my attached resume.” Says Lindsay Olson, a partner at Manhattan’s Paradigm Staffing: “I’d like to know why you are contacting me (a particular position, referral, etc.), a short background about yourself, and a career highlight or two. It’s important to attempt to set yourself apart from the competition.”
7. Be careless with details
Reckless job hunters rarely make for conscientious workers. As such, even promising resumes must abide by age-old dictums: typo-free, proper organization, and no embellishment. Susan Whitcomb, author of Resume Magic: Trade Secrets of a Professional Resume Writer, says that almost 80 percent of HR managers she surveyed said they would dismiss otherwise qualified candidates who break these rules. She tells the story of one would-be employer who, when looking for an assistant, decided not to hire anyone because every resume she received contained typos.
“With a 6-to-1 ratio of jobseekers-to-jobs in the current marketplace, you can’t afford to make mistakes with your resume,” Whitcomb says.
More on MoneyWatch
•Top 10 Job Interview Mistakes
•10 Hottest Careers in America
•What's the Best Way to Lose 20 Pounds?
•6 Things Never to Post on Facebook
•Cut Your Job Search Time in Half
.Related: workforce management, selection, resume don'ts, resume, recruitment, recruiter, mission statement, jobs, job search, job application, human resources, hiring manager, hiring, cv, cover letter, changing jobs, cbs, career switching, career.
by CBS MoneyWatch.com, on Mon Jul 12, 2010
Thinkstock: What not to do with your resume
By Hillary Chura
In the time it takes you to read this paragraph, the average recruiter will have plowed through six resumes. (We know; we timed one.) Want to increase the chances of your resume making it to the next round? Then don’t do any of these seven things, which recruiters say — more than anything — make them want to push the “shred” button.
(For more resume tips, check out our interactive critique of an actual resume.)
1. Apply for a job for which you are not remotely qualified
Many candidates believe the job hunt is a numbers game — drop enough resumes, and you’re bound to land something. But shotguns are for hunting pheasant, not finding jobs. The reality is that recruiters hate wasting time on resumes from unqualified candidates. Morgan Miller, an executive recruiter at StaffMark, recalls the security guard who applied to be a financial risk manager (maybe Lehman should have hired him), while Scott Ragusa at Winter, Wyman talks of the aerial photographer who sought out a position as a tax specialist.
“Sorting through unqualified resumes is frustrating, unproductive and puts an extra burden on staff,” says Katherine Swift, Senior Account Director at KCSA Strategic Communications in Natick, Mass. “It also makes it much more challenging to find the right candidate.” So the next time you’re thinking of blasting out resumes to all 60 of the job listings on Monster.com that have the word “finance” in them , save your time (and that of the recruiters) and only apply for ones for which you’re qualified.
-- Top 10 Job Interview Mistakes
-- 10 Hottest Careers in America
-- What's the Best Way to Lose 20 Pounds?
-- 6 Things Never to Post on Facebook
-- Cut Your Job Search Time in Half
2. Include a lofty mission statement
More than ever, today’s savage job market is about the company, not the candidate. As such, mission or objective statements — particularly ones with an applicant’s hopes, dreams, and health insurance aspirations — will dispatch otherwise fine resumes to the circular file. Employers don’t care about how they can solve your problems — certainly not before they’ve met you and possibly not even after they’ve hired you. Instead, write an “objectives” statement that explains specifically how your skills and experience will help the company you’re applying to, not the other way around. And be very clear about what kind of job you’re seeking.
3. Use one generic resume for every job listing
To stand out amongst the sea of resumes that recruiters receive, yours must speak to each and every specific position, even recycling some of the language from the job description itself. Make it obvious that you will start solving problems even before you’ve recorded your outgoing voicemail message. Your CV or query letter should include a just touch of industry lingo — sufficient to prove you know your stuff but not so much that you sound like a robot. And it should speak to individual company issues and industry challenges, with specifics on how you have personally improved customer loyalty, efficiency, and profitability at past jobs, says workplace and performance consultant Jay Forte. Plus, each morsel should be on point.
“Think hard about how to best leverage each piece of information to your job search advantage,” says Wendy Enelow, a career consultant and trainer in Virginia. “Nothing in your resume should be arbitrary, from what you include in your job descriptions and achievement statements, to whether your education or experience comes first [recent grads may want to put education first] to how you format your contact information.”
4. Make recruiters or hiring managers guess how exactly you can help their client
Sourcing experts want to know — immediately — what someone can offer, and they won’t spend time noodling someone’s credentials. “Animal, vegetable or mineral? Doctor, lawyer or Indian chief?That’s what I’m wondering every time I open a resume. If it takes me more than a split second to figure this out, I feel frustrated,” says Mary O’Gorman, a veteran recruiter based in Brooklyn.
5. Don’t explain how past experience translates to a new position
Though candidates should avoid jobs where they have no experience, they absolutely should pursue new areas and positions if they can position their experience effectively. A high school English teacher applying for new jobs, for example, can cite expertise in human resource management, people skills, record keeping, writing, and training, says Anthony Pensabene, a professional writer who works with executives.
“Titles are just semantics; candidates need to relate their ‘actual’ skills and experiences to the job they’re applying for in their resume,” Pensabene says. An applicant who cannot be bothered to identify the parallels between the two likely won’t be bothered with interviews, either.
6. Don’t include a cover letter with your resume
A cover letter should always accompany a resume — even if it’s going to your best friend. And that doesn’t mean a lazy “I’m _____ and I’m looking for a job in New York; please see my attached resume.” Says Lindsay Olson, a partner at Manhattan’s Paradigm Staffing: “I’d like to know why you are contacting me (a particular position, referral, etc.), a short background about yourself, and a career highlight or two. It’s important to attempt to set yourself apart from the competition.”
7. Be careless with details
Reckless job hunters rarely make for conscientious workers. As such, even promising resumes must abide by age-old dictums: typo-free, proper organization, and no embellishment. Susan Whitcomb, author of Resume Magic: Trade Secrets of a Professional Resume Writer, says that almost 80 percent of HR managers she surveyed said they would dismiss otherwise qualified candidates who break these rules. She tells the story of one would-be employer who, when looking for an assistant, decided not to hire anyone because every resume she received contained typos.
“With a 6-to-1 ratio of jobseekers-to-jobs in the current marketplace, you can’t afford to make mistakes with your resume,” Whitcomb says.
More on MoneyWatch
•Top 10 Job Interview Mistakes
•10 Hottest Careers in America
•What's the Best Way to Lose 20 Pounds?
•6 Things Never to Post on Facebook
•Cut Your Job Search Time in Half
.Related: workforce management, selection, resume don'ts, resume, recruitment, recruiter, mission statement, jobs, job search, job application, human resources, hiring manager, hiring, cv, cover letter, changing jobs, cbs, career switching, career.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Are you falling in love too fast?
Are you falling in love too fast?
By Anna Harris
Share: Email Facebook Twitter MySpace StumbleUpon reddit Digg Yahoo! Buzz It’s no surprise that whirlwind romances — like Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom marrying after 30 days or Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes going from dating to married to parents in under two years — get everyone gasping. After dating for just one month, Cruise declared his devotion to Holmes on Oprah. The Kardashian/Odom wedding was practically a blur, with many presuming it to be a publicity stunt. The two remain married and have yet to announce any baby plans.
Lightning-fast romance always gets everyone talking: Is it possible to really fall that fast? Can an intense love like that last? Everyone has an opinion, and the reason is probably because we’ve all been there at some point — that is, swept up in a relationship that’s moving so swiftly it’s making our heads spin.
Sure, falling hard and fast can be exhilarating, but it can also be a little scary. Should you barrel ahead, celebrating that you’ve found The One, or put the brakes on for fear that you’ll get your heart broken? We posed that very question to some leading relationship experts to see what’s the best way to proceed. Try their advice and you may be able to reap all the heady benefits of being head-over-heels without getting burned. Browse Local Singles at Match.com on Yahoo!
I am a: Man Woman Seeking a: Man Woman Near:
Know the difference between a tide and an undertow
“I think people have to allow for a bit of a giddy whirlwind,” says Lynn Harris, relationship expert and author of He Loved Me, He Loves Me Not, who married her husband just a year after they met. “People who spend too much time analyzing what’s going on and playing it safe suck all the romance out of it.” Even so, there is a big difference between being swept up and feeling completely out of control. So ask yourself: If your new love interest asks you to do something you’re uncomfortable with — say, heading to a dicey-looking club on your second date — do you feel fine voicing your reservations, or do you sweep them under the rug to avoid ruining the moment? “If you feel like you have to act a certain way, then that’s a sign you’re not comfortable with this person. You're just comfortable with the idea of being in a whirlwind romance,” points out Harris. Bottom line, any long-term relationship needs your input, good and bad. More on how to do that next...
Slow things down without hurting anyone’s feelings
If you think things are rushing along too quickly, you owe it to the relationship to say so. However, avoid the usual lines like “I think we need to take things slower” or “I need some space” — these clichés will only set off alarm bells and make your amour think you’re trying to wiggle out of the relationship. Instead, be specific by explaining, “I’d love to see you this weekend, but a friend of mine is going through a rough time so I’m going to hang out with her” or “A work project is killing me and I’ll feel better if I hunker down and finish it so I can relax the next time we’re together.” If your date presses the issue, put his or her fears to rest by framing your time apart as a way to keep your relationship healthy for the long run. Say, “I’m really into you and I don’t want to mess this up by moving too fast.” To reassure your sweetie further, make a plan to see each other on a date you’ll be more available — that way your date’s not left hanging and wondering if the relationship’s on the rocks.
Don’t act on every impulse
Are you thinking of your sweetie and tempted to call to say so... for the fifth time that day? That’s sweet, but before you dial the digits, know this: not all impulses are meant to be acted upon. “People misinterpret feelings for phone calls. They don’t have to be one and the same,” says Harris. “Just sit back and enjoy the buzz. Enjoy the fact that you just hung up the phone and want to pick it up again. That’s awesome.” And enough already! This rule especially holds true for emailing and instant messaging — mediums that encourage you to reveal all sorts of personal info but that can easily breed a false sense of intimacy. So before hitting that “send” button, ask yourself: Would you feel comfortable coughing up this info in person? If not, save it for later.
Curb conversations about the future
So you’d love to take a romantic cruise to Alaska together this fall. Or you’ve always dreamt of having your wedding on the beach at sunset. Or you’re certain you want at least three kids, ideally five. Discussing your future dreams with your new flame may seem really romantic, but indulging in it too often can be a red flag. “This indicates that you’re more into the idea of being in a relationship than with the actual person in front of you,” points out Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words To Change Your Life. If your conversations tend to veer in that direction, consider an “activity date” like going to an art museum or taking a walk in the park which will force you to focus on things right in front of you — as well as each other.
Wait to say "I love you" (even if you think you do)
When you’re in a relationship that feels so right, it can be tempting to utter those three little worlds on the early side. Harris advises against it: “The first time you feel like saying it, count to 10, go home and say it to your cat,” she says. After all, your feelings could be due to the fact that you two just shared a really romantic evening together. There’s also the risk that the feelings might not be mutual yet. So before you take this step, ask yourself: Will you be able to accept if your date doesn’t say “I love you” back, or will you be crushed? If it’s the latter, then it’s probably best to hold off until more time has passed and you’re more confident about each other’s intentions.
If, on the other hand, you’re on the receiving end of an early “I love you,” don’t feel obliged to say it back if you’re not feeling it yet. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore the overture or, worse yet, give them a lecture about how they couldn’t possibly feel that way so soon. “This person has just made him- or herself really vulnerable, so you want to be careful,” says Harris. Try, “I’m so touched you just said that, and I feel strongly for you. It’s hard for me to use that word right now but feel like I may be getting there, too.” Who knows; maybe you will sooner than you think!
Anna Harris is a freelance writer in New York City. She has only fallen head over heels once — and she married him. And for the record, he said “I love you” first.
By Anna Harris
Share: Email Facebook Twitter MySpace StumbleUpon reddit Digg Yahoo! Buzz It’s no surprise that whirlwind romances — like Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom marrying after 30 days or Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes going from dating to married to parents in under two years — get everyone gasping. After dating for just one month, Cruise declared his devotion to Holmes on Oprah. The Kardashian/Odom wedding was practically a blur, with many presuming it to be a publicity stunt. The two remain married and have yet to announce any baby plans.
Lightning-fast romance always gets everyone talking: Is it possible to really fall that fast? Can an intense love like that last? Everyone has an opinion, and the reason is probably because we’ve all been there at some point — that is, swept up in a relationship that’s moving so swiftly it’s making our heads spin.
Sure, falling hard and fast can be exhilarating, but it can also be a little scary. Should you barrel ahead, celebrating that you’ve found The One, or put the brakes on for fear that you’ll get your heart broken? We posed that very question to some leading relationship experts to see what’s the best way to proceed. Try their advice and you may be able to reap all the heady benefits of being head-over-heels without getting burned. Browse Local Singles at Match.com on Yahoo!
I am a: Man Woman Seeking a: Man Woman Near:
Know the difference between a tide and an undertow
“I think people have to allow for a bit of a giddy whirlwind,” says Lynn Harris, relationship expert and author of He Loved Me, He Loves Me Not, who married her husband just a year after they met. “People who spend too much time analyzing what’s going on and playing it safe suck all the romance out of it.” Even so, there is a big difference between being swept up and feeling completely out of control. So ask yourself: If your new love interest asks you to do something you’re uncomfortable with — say, heading to a dicey-looking club on your second date — do you feel fine voicing your reservations, or do you sweep them under the rug to avoid ruining the moment? “If you feel like you have to act a certain way, then that’s a sign you’re not comfortable with this person. You're just comfortable with the idea of being in a whirlwind romance,” points out Harris. Bottom line, any long-term relationship needs your input, good and bad. More on how to do that next...
Slow things down without hurting anyone’s feelings
If you think things are rushing along too quickly, you owe it to the relationship to say so. However, avoid the usual lines like “I think we need to take things slower” or “I need some space” — these clichés will only set off alarm bells and make your amour think you’re trying to wiggle out of the relationship. Instead, be specific by explaining, “I’d love to see you this weekend, but a friend of mine is going through a rough time so I’m going to hang out with her” or “A work project is killing me and I’ll feel better if I hunker down and finish it so I can relax the next time we’re together.” If your date presses the issue, put his or her fears to rest by framing your time apart as a way to keep your relationship healthy for the long run. Say, “I’m really into you and I don’t want to mess this up by moving too fast.” To reassure your sweetie further, make a plan to see each other on a date you’ll be more available — that way your date’s not left hanging and wondering if the relationship’s on the rocks.
Don’t act on every impulse
Are you thinking of your sweetie and tempted to call to say so... for the fifth time that day? That’s sweet, but before you dial the digits, know this: not all impulses are meant to be acted upon. “People misinterpret feelings for phone calls. They don’t have to be one and the same,” says Harris. “Just sit back and enjoy the buzz. Enjoy the fact that you just hung up the phone and want to pick it up again. That’s awesome.” And enough already! This rule especially holds true for emailing and instant messaging — mediums that encourage you to reveal all sorts of personal info but that can easily breed a false sense of intimacy. So before hitting that “send” button, ask yourself: Would you feel comfortable coughing up this info in person? If not, save it for later.
Curb conversations about the future
So you’d love to take a romantic cruise to Alaska together this fall. Or you’ve always dreamt of having your wedding on the beach at sunset. Or you’re certain you want at least three kids, ideally five. Discussing your future dreams with your new flame may seem really romantic, but indulging in it too often can be a red flag. “This indicates that you’re more into the idea of being in a relationship than with the actual person in front of you,” points out Laurie Puhn, J.D., author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words To Change Your Life. If your conversations tend to veer in that direction, consider an “activity date” like going to an art museum or taking a walk in the park which will force you to focus on things right in front of you — as well as each other.
Wait to say "I love you" (even if you think you do)
When you’re in a relationship that feels so right, it can be tempting to utter those three little worlds on the early side. Harris advises against it: “The first time you feel like saying it, count to 10, go home and say it to your cat,” she says. After all, your feelings could be due to the fact that you two just shared a really romantic evening together. There’s also the risk that the feelings might not be mutual yet. So before you take this step, ask yourself: Will you be able to accept if your date doesn’t say “I love you” back, or will you be crushed? If it’s the latter, then it’s probably best to hold off until more time has passed and you’re more confident about each other’s intentions.
If, on the other hand, you’re on the receiving end of an early “I love you,” don’t feel obliged to say it back if you’re not feeling it yet. But that doesn’t mean you should ignore the overture or, worse yet, give them a lecture about how they couldn’t possibly feel that way so soon. “This person has just made him- or herself really vulnerable, so you want to be careful,” says Harris. Try, “I’m so touched you just said that, and I feel strongly for you. It’s hard for me to use that word right now but feel like I may be getting there, too.” Who knows; maybe you will sooner than you think!
Anna Harris is a freelance writer in New York City. She has only fallen head over heels once — and she married him. And for the record, he said “I love you” first.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Why I own a Gun
Why I own a Gun
My old grandpa said to me
'Son, there comes a time in every man's life
when he stops bustin' knuckles and starts bustin' caps
and usually it's when he becomes too old
to take an ass whoopin.'
I don't own a gun to kill people.
I own a gun to keep from being killed.
I don't carry a gun to scare people.
I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place.
I don't own a gun because I'm paranoid.
I own a gun because there are real threats in the world..
I don't own a gun because I'm evil.
I own a gun because I have lived long enough
to see the evil in the world.
I don't own a gun because I hate the government.
I own a gun because I understand the limitations of government..
I don't carry a gun because I'm angry.
I carry a gun so that I don't have to spend the rest of my life
hating myself for failing to be prepared.
I don't carry a gun because I want to shoot someone.
I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed,
and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.
I don't carry a gun because I'm a cowboy.
I carry a gun because, when I die and go to heaven,
I want to be a cowboy.
I don't own a gun to make me feel like a man.
I own a gun because men know how to take care
of themselves and the ones they love.
I don't carry a gun because I feel inadequate.
I carry a gun because unarmed and
facing an armed thug, I am inadequate.
I don't carry a gun because I love it.
I carry a gun because I love life and
the people who make it meaningful to me.
Police protection is an oxymoron.
Free citizens must protect themselves.
Police do not protect you from crime,
they usually just investigate the crime
after it happens and then call
someone in to clean up the mess.
Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die
and too old to take an ass whoopin'
.....author unknown (but obviously brilliant)
My old grandpa said to me
'Son, there comes a time in every man's life
when he stops bustin' knuckles and starts bustin' caps
and usually it's when he becomes too old
to take an ass whoopin.'
I don't own a gun to kill people.
I own a gun to keep from being killed.
I don't carry a gun to scare people.
I carry a gun because sometimes this world can be a scary place.
I don't own a gun because I'm paranoid.
I own a gun because there are real threats in the world..
I don't own a gun because I'm evil.
I own a gun because I have lived long enough
to see the evil in the world.
I don't own a gun because I hate the government.
I own a gun because I understand the limitations of government..
I don't carry a gun because I'm angry.
I carry a gun so that I don't have to spend the rest of my life
hating myself for failing to be prepared.
I don't carry a gun because I want to shoot someone.
I carry a gun because I want to die at a ripe old age in my bed,
and not on a sidewalk somewhere tomorrow afternoon.
I don't carry a gun because I'm a cowboy.
I carry a gun because, when I die and go to heaven,
I want to be a cowboy.
I don't own a gun to make me feel like a man.
I own a gun because men know how to take care
of themselves and the ones they love.
I don't carry a gun because I feel inadequate.
I carry a gun because unarmed and
facing an armed thug, I am inadequate.
I don't carry a gun because I love it.
I carry a gun because I love life and
the people who make it meaningful to me.
Police protection is an oxymoron.
Free citizens must protect themselves.
Police do not protect you from crime,
they usually just investigate the crime
after it happens and then call
someone in to clean up the mess.
Personally, I carry a gun because I'm too young to die
and too old to take an ass whoopin'
.....author unknown (but obviously brilliant)
The Keys to Unlocking Your Most Successful Career
The Keys to Unlocking Your Most Successful Career
by Joann Lublin
Monday, July 12, 2010
Five Simple But Crucial Lessons Culled from Many Years of Offering Advice to Workers, Bosses and Job Seekers
More from WSJ.com:
• Big Blunders Job Hunters Make
• Promoting Your Job Search on LinkedIn While You're Employed
• Performance Reviews by the Numbers
Finding a job, flourishing on the job and moving into a better job demand plenty of work—especially during a jobless recovery.
That's why I am offering my five best lessons for managing your career, gleaned since I launched this column in July 1993. They include the importance of out-of-the box networking, sweating the small stuff and knowing yourself well enough that you're always ready for reinvention.
The lessons' common theme? No one can manage You Inc. better than you. And here's how to do it:
Popular Stories on Yahoo!:
• Hidden Expenses of Suburban Living
• 10 Signs You're Headed for Debt Disaster
• Tricks to Get the Highest Salary Possible
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
More from Yahoo! Finance
1. Network Effectively Rather Than Aimlessly
Focus on forging "strategic relationships" at 10 prospective employers, suggests Paul Anderson, a career coach in Redmond, Wash. That means avoiding an "elevator pitch" in which you buttonhole people and give them your career pitch on the fly.
"Relationships can't be built in 60 seconds,'' Mr. Anderson insists. "People hire people they like and trust." So, work on building better ties with your contacts by being a reliable resource for them and offering frequent updates about your career.
You can land strong introductions through your closest contacts, social networking sites and good "connectors," who may have nothing to do with your line of work. These professionals, such as hairstylists, dentists, ministers and accountants, amass connections that cut across industries.
More Lessons
• Do extensive homework about a possible employer's culture.
• Practice, practice, practice before job interviews and work presentations—in front of a video camera, mirror or close friend.
• Bring thank-you cards to job interviews, write them before you leave and then hand them to the receptionist.
• Assemble a candid "owner's manual" about yourself based on a self-assessment and associates' input.
• Embrace potentially risky new assignments.
Connectors "make introductions because they like to," notes Diane Darling, a networking consultant in Boston. She expanded her connections and consulting gigs by creating a personal board of advisers.
For the same reason, attend industry conferences that attract targeted businesses. Scrutinize the guest list, pinpoint executives you wish to meet and schedule encounters there.
When Tayari Howard was an aspiring radio personality in the '90s, he attended about 10 public events hosted by a San Diego station before meeting a department head and pitching his candidacy for a job. "Persistence paid off!" says Mr. Howard, who was hired by the radio station in June 1995, and still hosts a nightly show there.
2. Sweat the Small Stuff
Tiny missteps may derail your career. You appear unpolished when you talk like an adolescent, curse at colleagues or proffer a sweaty palm.
Outdated clothes, frayed cuffs, messy hair, scuffed shoes or excess cleavage also signal poor judgment. "Looking your best at any age is what you should aspire to," advises Patricia Cook, an executive recruiter in Bronxville, N.Y.
Even bathroom habits count. High-tech recruiter Dora Vell once worked for a major search firm where the receptionist alerted partners if candidates using the guest toilet near her desk failed to wash their hands. (She could hear the faucet.)
This lesson also applies to cover letters. Inspirica, a New York high school and college tutoring concern, found mistakes in 93% of 220 letters from tutor applicants over the past year. Many flawed letters came from experienced writing tutors.
"Pay attention to everything you write in cover letters," warns Lisa Jacobson, Inspirica's CEO. "Otherwise, you will get weed whacked right out." Her firm hired just 15 tutors in the fiscal year ended in June.
3. Make Your Résumé and Business Card Work Overtime for You
Too often, résumés chronicle your past rather than promote marketable skills that would benefit potential employers. An additional "pre-résumé" may make more sense, says Rick Gillis, an author of two job-hunting books who devised the concept. The one-page document contains a brief objective statement that describes precise ways you will improve a particular company, he adds.
A pre-résumé also includes highlights of four career accomplishments—plus a string of key words (such as "multi-task professional") that get detected by resume-tracking software.
An online résumé offers another approach. You can show work samples, references' video testimonials and any data that may demonstrate successes in your career, such as surpassing sales targets.
It's equally important that your business card convey a memorable first impression. List your strongest skills or highest degree right under your name. But omit your physical address to appear flexible about relocation. Don't overlook the reverse side of your card. Rather than leave it blank, you can display the name of a prominent prior employer.
4. Pay It Forward
Whether you're on the job or seeking one, you should help others propel their careers without expecting return favors.
New Directions, an upscale executive-transition-planning firm in Boston, encourages jobless managerial clients to aid welfare mothers, homeless veterans and others hunting for work. Banker Mike Lenihan served as an unpaid mentor all three times he was a New Directions client since 2003.
He says his latest stint, involving coaching unemployed administrative assistants about the tough job market, impressed a U.S. Bancorp hiring official. He joined a unit in January as a senior vice president.
So many people assisted Mary Steele throughout her career that "I wished to pay it forward," the head of executive compensation for Delta Air Lines Inc. says.
During a 2006 job hunt, Ms. Steele began compiling a list of high-paid human resources vacancies she didn't pursue. She now emails similar job-lead updates 300 times a year to more than 500 people, mostly seasoned HR managers.
5. Know Thyself—and Be Ready for Reinvention
You should constantly take stock of your dreams, values and transferrable skills. Scrupulous self-assessments can ease jitters about changing your occupation, industry, locale or pay.
After losing his job as a hourly manufacturing worker in 2006, Christopher Pearsall became a product manager for a business-software developer the following year. When the part-time paramedic got laid off again in 2008, he decided to pursue what he really loved: health care.
Mr. Pearsall will soon finish nursing school. "I have re-reinvented myself," he says.
To succeed at your current workplace, you must be equally flexible about accepting lateral moves. Businesses like such switch hitters—as I can attest.
Today marks the last print version of a column that sought to provide uncommon solutions to common career dilemmas for 17 years. Soon, in my new monthly advice column on WSJ.com, I'll tackle a new challenge: helping senior executives make the most of their careers.
—Write to Joann Lublin at joann.lublin@wsj.com
by Joann Lublin
Monday, July 12, 2010
Five Simple But Crucial Lessons Culled from Many Years of Offering Advice to Workers, Bosses and Job Seekers
More from WSJ.com:
• Big Blunders Job Hunters Make
• Promoting Your Job Search on LinkedIn While You're Employed
• Performance Reviews by the Numbers
Finding a job, flourishing on the job and moving into a better job demand plenty of work—especially during a jobless recovery.
That's why I am offering my five best lessons for managing your career, gleaned since I launched this column in July 1993. They include the importance of out-of-the box networking, sweating the small stuff and knowing yourself well enough that you're always ready for reinvention.
The lessons' common theme? No one can manage You Inc. better than you. And here's how to do it:
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1. Network Effectively Rather Than Aimlessly
Focus on forging "strategic relationships" at 10 prospective employers, suggests Paul Anderson, a career coach in Redmond, Wash. That means avoiding an "elevator pitch" in which you buttonhole people and give them your career pitch on the fly.
"Relationships can't be built in 60 seconds,'' Mr. Anderson insists. "People hire people they like and trust." So, work on building better ties with your contacts by being a reliable resource for them and offering frequent updates about your career.
You can land strong introductions through your closest contacts, social networking sites and good "connectors," who may have nothing to do with your line of work. These professionals, such as hairstylists, dentists, ministers and accountants, amass connections that cut across industries.
More Lessons
• Do extensive homework about a possible employer's culture.
• Practice, practice, practice before job interviews and work presentations—in front of a video camera, mirror or close friend.
• Bring thank-you cards to job interviews, write them before you leave and then hand them to the receptionist.
• Assemble a candid "owner's manual" about yourself based on a self-assessment and associates' input.
• Embrace potentially risky new assignments.
Connectors "make introductions because they like to," notes Diane Darling, a networking consultant in Boston. She expanded her connections and consulting gigs by creating a personal board of advisers.
For the same reason, attend industry conferences that attract targeted businesses. Scrutinize the guest list, pinpoint executives you wish to meet and schedule encounters there.
When Tayari Howard was an aspiring radio personality in the '90s, he attended about 10 public events hosted by a San Diego station before meeting a department head and pitching his candidacy for a job. "Persistence paid off!" says Mr. Howard, who was hired by the radio station in June 1995, and still hosts a nightly show there.
2. Sweat the Small Stuff
Tiny missteps may derail your career. You appear unpolished when you talk like an adolescent, curse at colleagues or proffer a sweaty palm.
Outdated clothes, frayed cuffs, messy hair, scuffed shoes or excess cleavage also signal poor judgment. "Looking your best at any age is what you should aspire to," advises Patricia Cook, an executive recruiter in Bronxville, N.Y.
Even bathroom habits count. High-tech recruiter Dora Vell once worked for a major search firm where the receptionist alerted partners if candidates using the guest toilet near her desk failed to wash their hands. (She could hear the faucet.)
This lesson also applies to cover letters. Inspirica, a New York high school and college tutoring concern, found mistakes in 93% of 220 letters from tutor applicants over the past year. Many flawed letters came from experienced writing tutors.
"Pay attention to everything you write in cover letters," warns Lisa Jacobson, Inspirica's CEO. "Otherwise, you will get weed whacked right out." Her firm hired just 15 tutors in the fiscal year ended in June.
3. Make Your Résumé and Business Card Work Overtime for You
Too often, résumés chronicle your past rather than promote marketable skills that would benefit potential employers. An additional "pre-résumé" may make more sense, says Rick Gillis, an author of two job-hunting books who devised the concept. The one-page document contains a brief objective statement that describes precise ways you will improve a particular company, he adds.
A pre-résumé also includes highlights of four career accomplishments—plus a string of key words (such as "multi-task professional") that get detected by resume-tracking software.
An online résumé offers another approach. You can show work samples, references' video testimonials and any data that may demonstrate successes in your career, such as surpassing sales targets.
It's equally important that your business card convey a memorable first impression. List your strongest skills or highest degree right under your name. But omit your physical address to appear flexible about relocation. Don't overlook the reverse side of your card. Rather than leave it blank, you can display the name of a prominent prior employer.
4. Pay It Forward
Whether you're on the job or seeking one, you should help others propel their careers without expecting return favors.
New Directions, an upscale executive-transition-planning firm in Boston, encourages jobless managerial clients to aid welfare mothers, homeless veterans and others hunting for work. Banker Mike Lenihan served as an unpaid mentor all three times he was a New Directions client since 2003.
He says his latest stint, involving coaching unemployed administrative assistants about the tough job market, impressed a U.S. Bancorp hiring official. He joined a unit in January as a senior vice president.
So many people assisted Mary Steele throughout her career that "I wished to pay it forward," the head of executive compensation for Delta Air Lines Inc. says.
During a 2006 job hunt, Ms. Steele began compiling a list of high-paid human resources vacancies she didn't pursue. She now emails similar job-lead updates 300 times a year to more than 500 people, mostly seasoned HR managers.
5. Know Thyself—and Be Ready for Reinvention
You should constantly take stock of your dreams, values and transferrable skills. Scrupulous self-assessments can ease jitters about changing your occupation, industry, locale or pay.
After losing his job as a hourly manufacturing worker in 2006, Christopher Pearsall became a product manager for a business-software developer the following year. When the part-time paramedic got laid off again in 2008, he decided to pursue what he really loved: health care.
Mr. Pearsall will soon finish nursing school. "I have re-reinvented myself," he says.
To succeed at your current workplace, you must be equally flexible about accepting lateral moves. Businesses like such switch hitters—as I can attest.
Today marks the last print version of a column that sought to provide uncommon solutions to common career dilemmas for 17 years. Soon, in my new monthly advice column on WSJ.com, I'll tackle a new challenge: helping senior executives make the most of their careers.
—Write to Joann Lublin at joann.lublin@wsj.com
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Marrying Mr. / Ms. Wrong
Is he the wrong man for you?
By Theo Pauline Nestor
Is it just jitters or are your cold feet trying to tell you something? Seventeen years ago, Anne Milford called off her engagement to the wrong guy not long before she was due to head down the aisle. In the months after her breakup, all sorts of women began confiding in her with their stories — stories from those who’d broken off their engagement and, more hauntingly, stories from those who hadn’t and regretted it. Eager to find a definitive answer to the question, “Why do women marry the wrong guy?”, Milford teamed up with therapist Jennifer Gauvain to write How Not To Marry the Wrong Guy: A Guide For Avoiding the Biggest Mistake of Your Life. Here, Milford and Gauvain answer our questions.
Q: What inspired you both to write this book?
Milford: Seventeen years ago, I called off my first wedding. In the months following the breakup, I was astounded by the number of women (and a few men) who confided in me that they wished they had the courage to call off their own first weddings. They all stated, in one way or another, that “I knew I was making a mistake as I was walking down the aisle.” I realized that maybe this was one of the reasons the divorce rate was so high — many marriages are doomed from the start because the bride and/or the groom already know it’s a mistake. And they get married anyway! Browse Local Singles at Match.com on Yahoo!
I am a: Man / Woman Seeking a: Man / Woman Near:
I wondered why smart men and women would choose walk down the aisle into a marriage they already felt would be a mistake. I also wanted to figure out why I came so close to marrying the wrong guy myself. Even though my fiancé was a very nice man, he was not the right man for me. Deep down, I had known that from the very beginning of the relationship. Why did a smart and capable woman get engaged to the wrong guy? I knew if I talked to enough women, I would uncover a pattern.
Gauvain: When I met Anne, most of my clients were women who were desperately struggling in their relationships. I felt like I needed to do more to help these women who were finding their way to my couch.
Q: So, what are the red flags that indicate someone is “marrying the wrong guy?”
Milford: Red flags in relationships are problematic actions, attitudes and behaviors exhibited by your partner. But red flags aren’t always so obvious — they aren’t just “bad” behaviors, such as dishonesty or infidelity. Vastly differing beliefs or likes and dislikes (religion, jobs, parenting style, etc.) are another kind of red flag. Whatever kind it is, a red flag should make you stop and think. These warning signs offer clues about your boyfriend’s character. Ignore them at your own peril.
In How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, we stress the importance of making the connection between red flags and listening your gut feelings. Why? Because red flags are different for everyone. Rather then spell out every possible red flag in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend, we want people to be able to identify what a red flag is for them individually. (Although we do go through a checklist of possible red flags: Does your partner have a lot of debt? Does he or she have a healthy relationship with family? Does this person have any friends?)
It’s up to you to make the connection between red flags and your gut feelings. We tell people that they can spot a red flag when it causes a reaction in their gut… or that little voice inside starts to speak up. If something feels off, or it doesn’t sit right with you, it’s a red flag.
Q. Why do women marry the wrong guy?
Milford and Gauvain: After talking to hundreds of women who married the wrong guy, we uncovered the three most common reasons why they walked down the aisle:
1. They got caught up in the momentum of the wedding until it was too late to call it off. People incorrectly believe that once the wedding date is set, it’s too late to stop it. Several women said they felt they had passed the point of no return once they received that first wedding gift or attended their first bridal shower. A pile of beautifully wrapped gifts does not have the power to keep you from canceling your wedding. You don’t want a set of wine glasses or a wok to dictate your future.
2. Feelings of fear, shame and embarrassment about publicly admitting that getting married was a mistake. Countless women told us that their pride kept them from calling off their weddings. Openly admitting that you made a mistake is excruciatingly difficult. But we like to remind women that when that marriage ends (and it will), you will still have to admit you made a mistake, but this time it will be in a room full of strangers, a paralegal, your attorney and a judge. How’s that for embarrassing?
3. Financial concerns associated with canceling the wedding. Numerous women told us that they were so swept up with the wedding planning, the dress they already purchased, the reception venue that was already booked, etc. and that they did not want to lose all of that money. There’s no question that there are short-term costs associated with canceling a wedding. But there are many more very nasty, unpleasant and complicated long-term costs that arise from not canceling. The fact is, if you cancel your wedding, you are going to lose some money.
Q. How is marrying the wrong guy related to dating the wrong guy? Could online daters use the principles outlined in How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy to their advantage as they are creating their profiles and choosing prospects for their first and second dates?
Milford and Gauvain: Marrying the wrong guy starts with dating the wrong guy! Women of all ages settle in their relationships. They know the guy is wrong from the start, yet they remain in the relationship. Why do they do it? We discovered five reasons why women date the wrong guy:
Loneliness and insecurity
Believing that the relationship is the solution to their problems
External pressures to get married
Thinking that “he will fix me” or “I will fix him”
Ignoring red flags and gut feelings
We encourage women to really reflect on what it is they truly value in a relationship. Honor those values. As you complete your profile, be honest and truthful about who you are. Be authentic. Don’t try to be who you think Mr. Right wants you to be. If you embellish the real you, then when you do finally get a date, you’re starting off on a weak foundation. Trust your gut feelings about the men you date. If someone exhibits actions or behaviors that just don’t sit right with you, politely say, “It was nice meeting you” and leave. You might disappoint your date, you might get frustrated, but if you don’t walk away when you first get that feeling… you start making excuses. Then that second date turns into a third and a fourth. Suddenly, out of boredom or trying to be polite, you find that you’re dating the wrong guy.
Q. What’s the difference between normal pre-wedding jitters and the legitimate cold feet indicating you’re about to head down the aisle with the wrong person?
Milford and Gauvain: Whenever we discuss having doubts about a pending marriage, people immediately start throwing around the terms “jitters” or “cold feet.” They use these terms interchangeably. “Everyone has jitters,” they say. Or, “All brides and grooms get cold feet before the wedding.” We disagree. While everyone might feel nervous about their wedding day, not all brides and grooms are concerned that they may be making a mistake.
If you are nervous or scared because you have temporary concerns about the event (party, reception, bridesmaid, family issues, etc.), you have jitters. If you have doubts about the relationship itself? Then you have cold feet. The following thoughts indicate cold feet:
I feel like I am settling.
I don’t like they way I’m being treated.
I hope our relationship will improve after the wedding.
I don’t think this person is going to make a good spouse.
I have to go through with this because we have been dating for so long.
If I don’t marry this person, I will never find anyone else.
These thoughts revolve around the relationship, not the wedding ceremony or reception. These are not temporary issues and they should not be ignored.
Theo Pauline Nestor is the author of How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed and a regular contributor to Happen magazine. Visit her at www.theopaulinenestor.com. You can learn more about How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy at www.coldfeetpress.com.
By Theo Pauline Nestor
Is it just jitters or are your cold feet trying to tell you something? Seventeen years ago, Anne Milford called off her engagement to the wrong guy not long before she was due to head down the aisle. In the months after her breakup, all sorts of women began confiding in her with their stories — stories from those who’d broken off their engagement and, more hauntingly, stories from those who hadn’t and regretted it. Eager to find a definitive answer to the question, “Why do women marry the wrong guy?”, Milford teamed up with therapist Jennifer Gauvain to write How Not To Marry the Wrong Guy: A Guide For Avoiding the Biggest Mistake of Your Life. Here, Milford and Gauvain answer our questions.
Q: What inspired you both to write this book?
Milford: Seventeen years ago, I called off my first wedding. In the months following the breakup, I was astounded by the number of women (and a few men) who confided in me that they wished they had the courage to call off their own first weddings. They all stated, in one way or another, that “I knew I was making a mistake as I was walking down the aisle.” I realized that maybe this was one of the reasons the divorce rate was so high — many marriages are doomed from the start because the bride and/or the groom already know it’s a mistake. And they get married anyway! Browse Local Singles at Match.com on Yahoo!
I am a: Man / Woman Seeking a: Man / Woman Near:
I wondered why smart men and women would choose walk down the aisle into a marriage they already felt would be a mistake. I also wanted to figure out why I came so close to marrying the wrong guy myself. Even though my fiancé was a very nice man, he was not the right man for me. Deep down, I had known that from the very beginning of the relationship. Why did a smart and capable woman get engaged to the wrong guy? I knew if I talked to enough women, I would uncover a pattern.
Gauvain: When I met Anne, most of my clients were women who were desperately struggling in their relationships. I felt like I needed to do more to help these women who were finding their way to my couch.
Q: So, what are the red flags that indicate someone is “marrying the wrong guy?”
Milford: Red flags in relationships are problematic actions, attitudes and behaviors exhibited by your partner. But red flags aren’t always so obvious — they aren’t just “bad” behaviors, such as dishonesty or infidelity. Vastly differing beliefs or likes and dislikes (religion, jobs, parenting style, etc.) are another kind of red flag. Whatever kind it is, a red flag should make you stop and think. These warning signs offer clues about your boyfriend’s character. Ignore them at your own peril.
In How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy, we stress the importance of making the connection between red flags and listening your gut feelings. Why? Because red flags are different for everyone. Rather then spell out every possible red flag in a potential boyfriend or girlfriend, we want people to be able to identify what a red flag is for them individually. (Although we do go through a checklist of possible red flags: Does your partner have a lot of debt? Does he or she have a healthy relationship with family? Does this person have any friends?)
It’s up to you to make the connection between red flags and your gut feelings. We tell people that they can spot a red flag when it causes a reaction in their gut… or that little voice inside starts to speak up. If something feels off, or it doesn’t sit right with you, it’s a red flag.
Q. Why do women marry the wrong guy?
Milford and Gauvain: After talking to hundreds of women who married the wrong guy, we uncovered the three most common reasons why they walked down the aisle:
1. They got caught up in the momentum of the wedding until it was too late to call it off. People incorrectly believe that once the wedding date is set, it’s too late to stop it. Several women said they felt they had passed the point of no return once they received that first wedding gift or attended their first bridal shower. A pile of beautifully wrapped gifts does not have the power to keep you from canceling your wedding. You don’t want a set of wine glasses or a wok to dictate your future.
2. Feelings of fear, shame and embarrassment about publicly admitting that getting married was a mistake. Countless women told us that their pride kept them from calling off their weddings. Openly admitting that you made a mistake is excruciatingly difficult. But we like to remind women that when that marriage ends (and it will), you will still have to admit you made a mistake, but this time it will be in a room full of strangers, a paralegal, your attorney and a judge. How’s that for embarrassing?
3. Financial concerns associated with canceling the wedding. Numerous women told us that they were so swept up with the wedding planning, the dress they already purchased, the reception venue that was already booked, etc. and that they did not want to lose all of that money. There’s no question that there are short-term costs associated with canceling a wedding. But there are many more very nasty, unpleasant and complicated long-term costs that arise from not canceling. The fact is, if you cancel your wedding, you are going to lose some money.
Q. How is marrying the wrong guy related to dating the wrong guy? Could online daters use the principles outlined in How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy to their advantage as they are creating their profiles and choosing prospects for their first and second dates?
Milford and Gauvain: Marrying the wrong guy starts with dating the wrong guy! Women of all ages settle in their relationships. They know the guy is wrong from the start, yet they remain in the relationship. Why do they do it? We discovered five reasons why women date the wrong guy:
Loneliness and insecurity
Believing that the relationship is the solution to their problems
External pressures to get married
Thinking that “he will fix me” or “I will fix him”
Ignoring red flags and gut feelings
We encourage women to really reflect on what it is they truly value in a relationship. Honor those values. As you complete your profile, be honest and truthful about who you are. Be authentic. Don’t try to be who you think Mr. Right wants you to be. If you embellish the real you, then when you do finally get a date, you’re starting off on a weak foundation. Trust your gut feelings about the men you date. If someone exhibits actions or behaviors that just don’t sit right with you, politely say, “It was nice meeting you” and leave. You might disappoint your date, you might get frustrated, but if you don’t walk away when you first get that feeling… you start making excuses. Then that second date turns into a third and a fourth. Suddenly, out of boredom or trying to be polite, you find that you’re dating the wrong guy.
Q. What’s the difference between normal pre-wedding jitters and the legitimate cold feet indicating you’re about to head down the aisle with the wrong person?
Milford and Gauvain: Whenever we discuss having doubts about a pending marriage, people immediately start throwing around the terms “jitters” or “cold feet.” They use these terms interchangeably. “Everyone has jitters,” they say. Or, “All brides and grooms get cold feet before the wedding.” We disagree. While everyone might feel nervous about their wedding day, not all brides and grooms are concerned that they may be making a mistake.
If you are nervous or scared because you have temporary concerns about the event (party, reception, bridesmaid, family issues, etc.), you have jitters. If you have doubts about the relationship itself? Then you have cold feet. The following thoughts indicate cold feet:
I feel like I am settling.
I don’t like they way I’m being treated.
I hope our relationship will improve after the wedding.
I don’t think this person is going to make a good spouse.
I have to go through with this because we have been dating for so long.
If I don’t marry this person, I will never find anyone else.
These thoughts revolve around the relationship, not the wedding ceremony or reception. These are not temporary issues and they should not be ignored.
Theo Pauline Nestor is the author of How to Sleep Alone in a King-Size Bed and a regular contributor to Happen magazine. Visit her at www.theopaulinenestor.com. You can learn more about How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy at www.coldfeetpress.com.
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